Late Laughs for the week of January 15 - 21, 2023

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Herschel Walker] lost big last night [Dec. 7] to Sen. Raphael Warnock in the Georgia runoff. Warnock was able to win a full term in the senate by staying focused on his primary message to Georgia voters, which was "I am not Herschel Walker."


Here in L.A. we are experiencing yet another surge of COVID. So, bad news for all of you: like the McRib, COVID is back; and also like the McRib, it's here to kill us.


WNBA star Brittney Griner is finally at home. [She was] in prison in Russia for allegedly having a THC vape cartridge in her luggage. ... The White House secured Griner's release with a prisoner swap. They traded her for Viktor Bout, an international arms dealer known as the Merchant of Death. That doesn't seem like a fair [trade]. The Merchant of Death for sweet Lady Vape? No.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

As part of his move to make Twitter "hardcore," Elon [Musk] has been asking Twitter workers to stay long hours at the office. And Monday [Dec. 5], he took it a step further and outfitted Twitter's headquarters with bedrooms for employees. I'm not surprised he puts beds in the office: he doesn't want his employees to be "woke."


Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie's niece, who you may have read, was kicked off a Spirit Airlines flight and arrested after she allegedly accused a Latino family of "smuggling cocaine" and injuring six sheriff deputies. So, a pretty standard flight for Spirit.


Yesterday [Dec. 7], Peru's president was impeached and arrested after he tried to dissolve congress. So, you can take immediate action against a president who attacks congress? I thought you had to dither about it for two years until he has dinner with Nazis, and then still not do anything.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Yankee superstar Aaron Judge has decided to stay in New York, agreeing to a nine-year, $360-million contract. When he heard that, Babe Ruth said, "What the hell? I got paid in peanuts and Cracker Jacks."


Apparently, former president Trump's lawyers just turned over more classified items to the FBI after finding them at Trump's storage unit in Florida. Yeah, we were just a week away from our most classified secrets ending up on an episode of "Storage Wars."


Airline passengers in Europe will soon be allowed to use 5G service to make phone calls on board. The only thing worse than your seatmate trying to talk to you is your seatmate trying to talk to someone else.


I heard about a man in Florida who was arrested for allegedly stealing over $1,300 worth of toothbrushes from Walgreens. Yep, the man was convicted after four out of five jurors found him guilty.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

French President Emmanuel Macron reportedly toasted to President Biden's reelection campaign. Either that or Biden said he was running again and Macron just started drinking.


Ben & Jerry's yesterday [Dec. 7] announced they will release a new flavor curated by director Ava DuVernay. Meanwhile, the James Cameron-inspired flavor is currently 10 years behind and $200 million over budget.


Firefighters recently rescued a puppy that swam about a mile across the Hudson River from Manhattan to New Jersey. They tried to return it, but it had already found an affordable home with a backyard and started a family.


The appliance company Dyson is set to launch a set of noise-cancelling headphones with a detachable air purifier. It's part of Dyson's longtime mission of trying to figure out what the hell their company sells.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

We wanted to tell you about this latest fitness craze here in Los Angeles: it's working out while high. New companies are popping up in response to research showing some marijuana users report more pleasure from combining cardio and cannabis. ... I got to wonder if this is really a craze. Everyone in Los Angeles seems to be stoned all the time. Eventually, a couple of those people are going to go to the gym.


We are one step closer to a universal flu vaccine, something scientists have tried to achieve for decades. That means someday soon, one shot could protect you from every strain of influenza. I guess they were inspired by how grateful so many Americans were the last time scientists developed a life-saving vaccine.


Due to inflation, Christmas trees are costing up to 20% more than they were last year. ... So, if you really care about somebody, make sure to leave a Christmas tree under their Christmas tree this year.


According to economists, retailers have a new holiday headache. This year, people are opting to spend their money on more travel instead of gifts. I think it's smart. You know gifts eventually get thrown away, but the memory of your dad turning around and screaming at you on a family roadtrip, that ... that lasts a lifetime.