Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump has not been able to play a round of golf in 52 days. The only time the president gets to yell "fore" now is when he tells his staff how many Whoppers he wants for lunch.

 

Karen Pence has taken a part-time job at as an art teacher at a school that bans gay and lesbian teachers and students. For real. The school is called "Immanuel Christian School." The school agreement explicitly states it will refuse admission to students who participate in or condone what they call "homosexual behavior." It's like a Slytherin-only Hogwarts.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

TSA agents aren't getting paid, and one of them said that morale is approaching "rock bottom." You can tell TSA agents are depressed, 'cause when they see mouthwash in your carry-on, they drink it.

 

This weekend, Chris Pratt got engaged to Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter. Pratt would've proposed sooner, but when he asked Arnold for permission, he had no idea what he said.

 

It was just confirmed that Maroon 5 is playing this year's Super Bowl halftime show. Yeah, we get to see Adam Levine at a football game -- but somehow, he'll still have the tightest pants.

 

Despite the shutdown, the FDA is trying to restart their inspections of "risky" foods. Though so far, it's just one guy going, "Does this smell bad to you? Try it."

 

The CEO of Delta said the shutdown has already cost the airline $25 million. But he's not that worried, 'cause they'll make it all back if two people pay to check their bags.

 

I heard that Disneyland has a new brewery. When asked if having a few beers at Disney helps them deal with their kids, parents were like, "Kids? Oh crap, the kids!"

 

Lately, a bunch of Democrats have announced that they're running for president during the shutdown. But they might want to wait -- that's like standing up during a funeral and yelling, "You guys, I'm engaged!"

 

To earn money, I read that some TSA agents are now driving for Uber. You know your Uber driver is a TSA agent when they don't offer you a bottle of water -- they take away yours.

 

I saw that Washington, D.C., was hit with a big storm and got a foot of snow. Yeah, the storm showed up and was like, "Wait, how is everything already shut down?"

 

It just came out that in 2015, Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen paid someone to rig polls for Trump using a Walmart bag filled with cash. Today, people were like, "C'mon, be classy -- at least hand it over in a Target bag.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

To show their support for the unpaid air traffic controllers in the United States, air traffic controllers in Canada sent down hundreds of pizzas for the workers here. Isn't that nice? A lovely gesture. Just when you think Canadians couldn't be more Canadian, they Canadian around and out-Canadian even themselves.

 

A recent Singapore Airlines flight was halfway to London before the crew realized there was a stowaway. A bird had snuck onto the plane and was sitting in business class. The airline was OK with it because the bird's a frequent flyer.

 

Netflix just announced that they will be raising subscription prices by up to $2 a month. I know, this is awful news for the person whose account you use.

 

A woman in China was recently diagnosed with an extremely rare condition that caused her to lose the ability to hear men's voices. Doctors offered to treat the woman, and she was like, "Nope, I'm good."

 

Police were closing in on a fugitive in Florida and searching a home for him when they found a note on the mattress that said, "I'm not here." Immediately afterwards, police found him hiding in his dresser. I mean, laugh all you want, but this guy was able to enjoy an extra 1.6 seconds of sweet, sweet freedom.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to new research, 60 percent of Americans say they plan to get in shape in 2019. And according to newer research, it's now just 10 percent.

 

According to Amazon, Michelle Obama's recent memoir "Becoming" has had the longest streak as Amazon's No. 1 selling book since "Fifty Shades of Grey." Which, in case you forgot, is about the journey Barack's hair took between 2008 and 2016.

 

According to reports, Nike's new self-lacing basketball sneaker will only be released in men's sizes. Said women, "That's fine, we know how to tie our shoes."

 

Today was the 10th anniversary of the "Miracle on the Hudson," when a U.S. Airways jet successfully made an emergency landing in the Hudson River. Not to be confused with the Miracle on the East River, where a man swam all the way across without dissolving.

 

A man in his fifties recently experienced so-called "debilitating night blindness" after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual dysfunction medicine. Which makes you wonder, what medicine did he mean to take an entire bottle of?

 

Irish fast food chain Supermac's won a case against McDonald's today, which will prevent McDonald's from using a trademark on the Big Mac. Because in Ireland, one out of every three people is named Big Mac.

 

President Trump met with the NCAA champion Clemson Tigers football team today at the White House. And the players couldn't wait to get back home and tell their families they got to go into the house Barack Obama used to live in.

 

During an interview with CNN yesterday, Rudy Giuliani said that he never denied that President Trump's campaign colluded with the Russian government in the lead-up to the 2016 election. And then today, he said he never did an interview on CNN.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

It was reported that one of Harvey Weinstein's lead attorneys is withdrawing from the case after he finally Googled "Harvey Weinstein."

 

Sunday night will bring a "super blood wolf moon," which is a rare lunar eclipse and not, as I had assumed, the name of the band that just performed on our show.

 

Italian-American groups are accusing the MTV show "Made in Staten Island" of promoting negative stereotypes. These claims were denied by the show's executive producer, a chicken parm in a wife beater.

 

Yesterday was "Winnie the Pooh Day." This according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants.