Late Laughs for the week of Feb. 19 - Feb. 25

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

CNN has reported that a lawyer for former vice-president Mike Pence found a dozen classified documents last week at Pence's Indiana home. OK, so they're just in every home? That's the only thing that makes sense anymore. When you buy a new house and you move in, there's just classified documents sitting on the counter next to that half roll of paper towels and box of baking soda.


House Speaker Kevin McCarthy told reporters yesterday [Jan. 24] that if the Ethics Committee finds that New York Congressman George Santos broke the law, "then we will remove him." So, I guess it's up to the chairman of the Ethics Committee ... oh, no, it's George Santos!


New York Congressman George Santos gave his first floor speech yesterday [Jan. 25] and quoted former president Ronald Reagan, or as Santos calls him, "Dad. My living Dad."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

So now both Joe Biden and Mike Pence have been found to have material dating from the time that they were vice-president. This never used to happen. Previous veeps had methods to dispose of this kind of thing: Al Gore would immediately recycle documents and Dick Cheney, of course, would shoot them in the face.


Yesterday [Jan. 24], citing the war in Ukraine, a group of scientists updated the position of the Doomsday Clock, which is used to symbolize the likelihood of people doing something to end humanity. Kind of a downer, but still less depressing than any watch that counts your steps.


As a market watcher, I've been a bit worried because a lot of folks out there have been forecasting a coming recession. Well, today [Jan. 26] we've got some positive news, because in the last quarter of 2022, the GDP increased 2.9%, ladies and gentlemen. Unexpected. Nobody saw that coming. We're all 2.9% richer and I'm gonna blow it on 2.9 eggs.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A dozen classified documents were just found at Mike Pence's house in Indiana. The craziest part about these documents that were found, they were found stuffed between a dozen Wu-Tang albums. When the news broke, Pence was so embarrassed he turned clear. Apparently, Pence brought the documents home when he blacked out during a 3 a.m. milk binge.


Everyone's still talking about all the classified documents that keep popping up, and now spokespeople are saying that, until the end of their terms, all classified documents were returned by Obama, Bush and Clinton. In other words, we're five minutes away from learning that they found documents at the homes of Obama, Bush and Clinton. Meanwhile, when asked if he had any classified documents, Dick Cheney put his heart into sleep mode.


Some news from Washington: a bill was just introduced in Congress that would ban TikTok in the U.S. Good idea. Without TikTok, the only way China can spy on us is through our phones, fridges and smart toasters. Yeah, they want to ban TikTok. Gen Z is like, "You'll have to pry it from our cold, dead tortillas." I'm sure Biden is all over this. A week ago, he thought TikTok was a breath mint.


This weekend [Jan. 28] in South Carolina, former president Trump is holding his first campaign rally as a 2024 presidential candidate. But I read that his team is struggling to find enough people to attend. But Trump is smart. Today [Jan. 27], his team announced that his first 10,000 supporters to show up will receive a free classified document.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Last night [Jan. 23], Mike Lindell, who says he understands the voting system data better than anyone else, had a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around the virtual background feature on Zoom.


You can feel extra excitement in the air because Eddie Murphy is here tonight [Jan. 25], which is very exciting. He's here to talk about his new comedy, 'You People,' which is very funny. Eddie plays the father of a Black woman who is getting married to a white man and the reviews are excellent. Tucker Carlson called it "the scariest movie I've ever seen."


Twenty years ago to the day, our show, on Jan. 26, 2003, premiered live after the Super Bowl, and right out of the gate, we were an immediate hit. Next day, The New Yorker said, "'Jimmy Kimmel Live,' a dead-on-arrival talk show with a charisma-free host."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

At this point, there's so many people, I just assume every politician has top secret documents in their house, right? Except Bernie Sanders, who left his at the park under the watchful eye of a few pigeons.


The city of Philadelphia is facing a severe shortage of lifeguards for their municipal pools this summer. They're so desperate for lifeguards that they're saying it's OK for people to apply for the job even if they don't know how to swim. ... Honestly, though, it's an improvement. Before this, Philly only hired lifeguards who heckled you while you drowned.


Donald Trump is now hitting the road, making stops this weekend [Jan. 28] in New Hampshire and South Carolina. Trump's going to talk about all of the big political issues that interest him: the economy, Ukraine ... I'm kidding, he's going to talk about himself.