Late Laughs for the week of December 5 - 11

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

After months of dragging their feet, I think we're all shocked the Democrats actually got this [passing the infrastructure bill] done. The party has gone from "Yes, we can!" to "Wait, we did?!"


Tabloids are reporting about Joe Biden's "long fart" at the global climate change gathering in Scotland. ... The president's alleged cheek squeak happened during a chat with British royal Camilla Parker Bowles and it was "audible enough to make the Duchess of Cornwall blush." And it takes a lot to make the duchess embarrassed — her entire family is old farts.


There might be a cure for COVID. On Friday, Pfizer announced that its new pill could cut the risk of hospitalization and death by 90%. ... Now, this pill does not prevent infection, but does a great job treating it. This pill is designed to axe COVID and it's called Paxlovid — all the best medical treatments rhyme. It started with Alexander Fleming's big announcement: "Penicillin stops the illin'."


[Texas Sen. Ted] Cruz didn't like that Big Bird was teaching kids to stay healthy, so he retweeted it [Big Bird's vaccination announcement] with the comment, "Government propaganda ... for your 5 year old!" Sen. Cruz — how should I put this? — our show tonight is brought to you by the letters "F" and "U."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Somehow, [this] was the big story this weekend: Big Bird tweeting that he got vaccinated. It was a big day, actually, for Big Bird, because immediately after getting vaccinated, he was signed by the Green Bay Packers.


New York City is expecting tens of thousands of tourists [now that the borders have reopened], and they're all going to walk in front of you.


Only 13 House Republicans voted for the [infrastructure] bill, while the rest said, "We think that if you're driving over a collapsed bridge, you can just speed up and you'll probably make it. You guys ever seen the documentary 'Fast and the Furious'?"


Walmart just announced that it is now using fully driverless trucks to deliver groceries to customers. It's pretty cool, actually. The driverless trucks will pick up items from Walmart and then deliver them right through your living-room wall.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Did everybody see this? Samsung has just unveiled a new product; it's jeans with a pocket designed to hold its Galaxy Z Flip3 smartphone. ... Well done, Samsung! You invented cargo pants.


The British Royal Marines and the United States Marine Corps recently completed a five-day mock battle, here in California, for training purposes, and the British troops forced the United States into a humiliating surrender just days into the exercise. ... Yeah! Not so cocky when George Washington's not around, are ya?


A hairdresser in Somerset, England, has made an unusual pandemic 'thank you' for Prime Minister Boris Johnson. It's a mural of Johnson made entirely out of ... hair swept up after pandemic haircuts. ... Her artistic style can best be described as Post-Impressionism Serial Killer.


The borders are open! Or, to put it in terms people from Los Angeles will understand, after 20 months of working on itself, the United States is finally ready to let down its walls and just practice healthy boundaries.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

This [abolishing daylight time] is a bipartisan issue. Let's get a hashtag going; whatever we have to do to encourage our Secretary of Transportation [Pete Buttigieg] to move on this so we don't have to go through it again next year. #givedaylightsavingsthebuttigieg


After the FDA approved the COVID vaccine for children aged five to 11, Big Bird tweeted, "I got the COVID-19 vaccine today! You know Big Bird's like a six-year-old. My wing is feeling a little sore, but it'll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy." And Ted Cruz — who desperately wants to be noticed — lashed out ... it's interesting because not only is Ted Cruz vaccinated himself, Ted Cruz was born with an immunity that protects him from contracting any friends.


You probably heard Aaron Rodgers, who is unvaccinated, tested positive for COVID last week even though he told reporters he was "immunized" months ago. ... So, A-Rodg defended himself. He said he tested negative over 300 times before testing positive. Which is the same kind of logic your 95-year-old grandmother uses to justify keeping her driver's license.


Joe Biden — don't worry! He's just like any old grandpa at the wheel. He'll get us there, it'll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

The Biden administration today ordered U.S. companies with 100 or more employees to have their workers fully vaccinated or regularly tested for the coronavirus by Jan. 4. All right, you heard the man, Arcade Fire!


Apparently, Britain's Duchess Camilla Parker Bowles hasn't been able to stop talking about how President Biden let out a "loud, long fart" when they spoke at last week's UN climate summit. To be fair, he warned her that he was about to cut methane gas.


President Biden returned to the White House this morning after spending the weekend at his beach house in Delaware. Things must be pretty rough in Washington if you think to yourself, "you know what would be great? The beach in November!"


A couple in New Zealand recently grew a potato that was about 17 pounds and named it Doug. It's what many in New Zealand are calling "our top story tonight."