Late Laughs for the week of December 19 - 25, 2021

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

You know the Butterball Turkey-Talk Line? It's the hotline that people call for help cooking their Thanksgiving meal. Well, it's back for the 40th year, and for the first time, this year, they have announced that you can even reach them via TikTok. Yeah, cool, because that's what I want when I'm struggling to cook a turkey: to be bullied online by a bunch of anonymous teenagers.


According to a new study, people who sleep naked are twice as likely to have a good night's rest. How do you even conduct that study? Are you like, "You're in bed — what're you wearing?" ... The study said people who sleep fully clothed also sleep well, but that's because they're unbelievably drunk.


With the holidays coming up, Heinz has introduced a new soup in the U.K. called "Christmas Dinner in a Can." It comes packed with chunks of turkey, stuffing, potatoes, brussels sprouts and even pigs in blankets. Mmm, just like grandma used to microwave!


According to a new study, men who pose with dogs in their dating app profile picture are more likely to want to settle down with a partner. Men who pose with cats in their dating app picture, however, are emotional terrorists. ... This only works for dating apps, though; the shirtless guy walking his puppy near the attractive women on a hiking trail, he's only looking for a hookup. Don't fall for it.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

To end the [supply chain] shortage, the trucking industry is working on recruiting more women and young people. Yes, we need to tell the youths trucking doesn't have to be isolating. They all talk to each other all the time, we just need to update the CB radio slang: "Breaker breaker, what's up fam? This is your boy Postal Malone. I'm about to high-key yeet these packages straight to your crib, no cap. That's the tea. It's a vibe, squad, 10-4. Chalamet."


If you can't get a Santa [due to the shortages, you might be able to get his better half, because some of the Santa gigs are being filled by Mrs. Claus, who is increasingly getting solo bookings. That's great! But since she's doing her own appearances, maybe we stop calling her "Mrs. Claus." Her name is Kathy. And she likes snowboarding and online poker, but you never thought to ask that, did you?


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Apparently, the U.S. government helped Moderna develop their vaccine, and now they're in a patent fight about who deserves credit for it. ... Meanwhile, there's also a battle over the Johnson & Johnson patent because no one wants to take credit for it. "No, that was the other Johnson ..."


Well, the holidays are coming up and I've heard that because of the tight labor market, there's actually a shortage of mall Santas. Yeah, malls are desperate for Santas. Today, actually, Macy's put out a bowl of whiskey outside the store like they're trying to lure a stray cat.


The Hallmark Channel is holding a baking contest, and the grand prize is a walk-on role in a Hallmark original movie or $5,000. Even the director of the Hallmark movie was like, "Take the money."


The North American Meat Institute said it will reach Paris Agreement emission targets by 2030. When I heard, my first thought was, "There's a North American Meat Institute?" [That] sounds less like a real organization and more like something you'd read on the shirt of a dude at CrossFit.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Former director of strategic communications Alyssa Farah] says she thinks Mike Pence will run for president against Donald Trump in 2024, which ... would be really, really good! ... I would like that. For Trump, this would be like waking up and finding your dog sitting at the breakfast table, reading the paper.


[Aaron Rodgers,] the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, led his team to victory in his first game back since he had COVID. He went 23-of-37 for 292 yards. He had great protection all night, ironically.


United Airlines has — for the first time since the start of the pandemic — resumed the sale of liquor on their flights. They're selling the little bottles of liquor again. It's all part of their plan to ensure that every passenger has a chance to get duct-taped to his or her seat.


Donald Trump doesn't have a dog — not since he broke up with Mike Pence anyway — but he does have a My Pillow guy! ... The Pillow man [Mike Lindell] scored a 1-on-1 interview with the man who will eventually bankrupt him: Lindell sat down with Trump for 36 rambling minutes last night. It was quite a sit-down. It was like watching a ventriloquist get interviewed by his dummy.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview this week that he is worried about the amount of time people spend "scrolling mindlessly" on their devices. Which is kind of like hearing that your weed dealer is worried you sleep too much.


The Canadian fast-food chain Tim Hortons announced a collaboration with pop star Justin Bieber to launch three new flavors of doughnut holes. When they first come out they'll be cute, but then they'll become really annoying. Then all of a sudden you'll be like, "Wait a minute, are these doughnut holes actually good?" before realizing you're actually way too old to be enjoying them.


According to new reports, reality star Kim Kardashian's shapewear brand Skims' collaboration with the luxury fashion brand Fendi sold out in just one minute, continuing the Kardashian family trend of immediately selling out.


Vice-President Kamala Harris has reportedly told confidants that she feels constrained with what she's able to do politically in the Biden administration. "Same," said Biden.