Late Laughs for the week of December 12 - 18

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The creator of "Squid Game" announces that Season 2 is now in the works. Season 1 left so many questions, like, "I loved this show, what the h--- is wrong with me?" ... Yup, squid game is the most dangerous game you can play. Well, other than football with Aaron Rodgers.


After 200 days in orbit, four astronauts splashed down in the Gulf of Mexico aboard a SpaceX capsule. ... After landing, they said, "We were going a little crazy up there. At one point, we looked out the window and I swear we saw William Shatner."


Customers will soon be able to earn bitcoins every time they dine at Bubba Gump Shrimp and the Rainforest Cafe. Right now, parents are like, "What's Bitcoin?" While kids are like, "Who's Bubba Gump?"


A car parked on an Italian street has become a tourist attraction because it's been in the same spot for 47 years. Meanwhile, there's a 95-year-old guy wandering the street like, "I know I parked it somewhere."


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

North American beef prices are soaring. We're all going to have to switch to something without meat — like Taco Bell!


In Canada, a rib roast can set you back $100. That's ridiculous! ... The only hunk of Canadian meat worth that much is Ryan Gosling.


At 28%, [Vice-President Kamala] Harris's approval rating is even lower than the 30% in 2008 for Dick Cheney. Meaning, to improve her popularity, she should seriously consider shooting someone in the face.


It was a beautiful fall day today. I mean, I went for a walk. I feel like a million bucks and that's not nearly enough because everything is getting so expensive. ... Prices have gone up for autos, energy, furniture, rent and medical care. That is terrible! One of my favorite things is being mobile, warm, comfortable, dry and alive!


The Late Late Show With James Corden

The borders are open! ... People can finally experience all that America has to offer, from the Applebee's near the Space Needle in Seattle to the Applebee's down the street from the Smithsonian in Washington, D.C.


You remember President Biden's vaccine mandate for large businesses, the one that was supposed to start on Jan. 4? Well, it's been temporarily blocked by a federal appeals court. ... The court said they're blocking the mandate because of potential constitutional issues, and also, they're just really big fans of Aaron Rodgers.


According to a recent poll, 64% of Americans do not want Joe Biden to run for a second term. And with the way things have been going, neither do 100% of Joe Bidens.


The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 insurrection issued 10 subpoenas, including to Stephen Miller, senior adviser to President Trump, and Kayleigh McEnany, who was with Trump before and during the riot. ... Specifically, they summoned him [Miller] by saying his name five times into the mirror.


Nancy Pelosi and 21 top Democrats [to address climate change at COP26] — they're really calling in the medium guns!


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Heinz today revealed what they are billing as their first-ever "Mars Edition" ketchup. ... It is ketchup made from tomatoes that were produced under the same conditions they have on Mars. (I don’t know why, either.) I hope they didn't grow them the same way Matt Damon grew his pooptatoes, but that could be!


Americans really aren't happy with his [Biden's] VP, Kamala Harris. Kamala Harris has an approval rating of 28%, which makes no sense because she basically has nothing to do. I mean, it's like criticizing a backup quarterback: "Tom Brady is OK, [but] I don't love the way Blaine Gabbert has his legs folded on the bench — I have to be honest."


Late last night, Trump asked a federal judge to prevent the records [from the Jan. 6 Capitol riot] from being released, but the judge denied that late-night request. And Trump was like, "You’re just like Melania."


[A federal] judge wrote [of Trump]: "Presidents are not kings, and the plaintiff is not president." Ouch! That's how you tell him? You couldn't have broken it to him a little easier than that? The last time Trump got a spanking like that was with a copy of Forbes magazine by Stormy Daniels.


According to AAA, air travel could be up 80% over last year. Say what you will about COVID, it did give us a reason not to go anywhere for the holidays.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Today was celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay's 55th birthday. He spent the day exactly the way he wanted to: screaming at the person who baked his cake.


According to a new poll, 61% of voters approve of the bipartisan infrastructure bill — at least until Biden signs it.


Amazon founder Jeff Bezos jokingly threatened actor Leonardo DiCaprio yesterday on Twitter after a video surfaced showing DiCaprio talking with Bezos' girlfriend at a gala. What a scandal! DiCaprio was talking to a woman over the age of 30?!


According to a new study, going to bed too early or too late may disrupt the body's natural rhythm and increase the risk of cardiovascular disease. So, just to be safe, let's all randomly change our clocks twice a year for no reason.


Television host Dr. Oz is reportedly considering running for a Senate seat in Pennsylvania. What? Who would ever want Dr. Oz to be their senator? The only thing crazier would be wanting Dr. Oz to be your doctor.