Late Laughs for the week of August 8 - 14

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Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Arsenio Hall

I take COVID very seriously. I think the most dangerous place I went this year was the In-N-Out drive-thru. And I didn't even order nothin', I just drove through.


There's a company selling something called "Wet Pants Denim." You see this? It's a real thing. It's jeans that make you look like you peed on yourself. I don't know what that's about. Saves us a lot of time and urine, though, I guess. They cost $75 — but you know you could pee on your pants for free, right?


This is a new trend. It's a facial fashion thing called "the double mustache." Guys are going around wearing two mustaches: one in the normal mustache spot and one above or below it. I'm thinking two mustaches, zero girlfriends.


It's amazing how many celebrities like Snoop have their own marijuana brands now. Seth Rogen has it. ... Jay-Z, Mike Tyson, yes and — this is true — Jaleel White. You know Jaleel White? Urkel, yes. Yes ... Jaleel White has his own line of pot. The name is ... "Purple Urkel." That's kind of cool. I like the ring. ... "Purple Urkel" get you so high, you'll forget you smoked it. You'll be standing around the house [saying], "Did I do that?"


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This week [French President Emmanuel] Macron announced expanded use of France's health passport system, the "pass sanitaire," which I believe is also the name of that little spritz toilet they use.


Today pop star Olivia Rodrigo went to the White House to promote vaccines. ... We actually have some footage of Rodrigo at the White House — there she is about to enter the same door used by historical figures James Monroe, Abraham Lincoln and Kid Rock.


Juvenile, the '90s hip-hop star, is encouraging folks to get the shot with a remix of his hit "Back That Thang Up" [changed to "Vax That Thang Up"]. ... Good advice, but warning: no matter how freaky you're feeling, do not get the vax in your "thang."


According to one new book, at the White House election night party, "some people" thought Rudy Giuliani may have been drinking too much. The other people were Rudy Giuliani.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday billionaire Richard Branson went to space on one of his Virgin galactic rockets. Branson's trip to space only lasted about four minutes, which is honestly pretty good for a virgin.


I got a little choked up watching Branson's flight. It always warms my heart to see billionaires achieve their dreams. ... I was happy for him, though. Normally when a billionaire flies away faster than the speed of sound, it's because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein.


Former president Trump gave a speech at CPAC where he said that he "didn't change" after being impeached twice, but actually "became worse." Oh my god, he's becoming self-aware!


Yesterday a record number of French citizens booked [vaccine] appointments after President Emmanuel Macron said you need to be vaccinated to go to cafés. That's right, French people were [smoking a cigarette] like, "If it is for health, we will do it." So, I guess French people were like, "Get vaccinated to protect my family? Non. To eat goose liver with strangers? Oui."


The Late Late Show with James Corden

A woman in Oregon recently came to an alarming conclusion that her pet cat was a criminal, so she put [a] sign up in her yard saying, "My cat is a thief," while displaying all the goods that her cat had taken from neighbors — that way, her neighbors could retrieve the items. ... That thief may be a cat, but that owner is a rat.


According the recent reports, over half of Europeans say that they would be more than happy with the idea of handing the business of government over to artificial intelligence. Here in America, when it comes to Congress, we'd settle for any kind of intelligence.


I still can't believe that Europeans are open to the idea of an artificial intelligence government. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear a news report like "the prime minister had an accident in the tub this morning; he's currently soaking in a bowl of rice."


During lockdown, cheese makers in France started experimenting with different techniques and have actually invented two brand-new kinds of French cheeses. One is kind of like a camembert but more floral, and the other one uses sheep's milk, sea salt and a wine wash. ... The only way this story could get more French is if it was smoking a cigarette, wearing a beret and pretending [to not be] able to speak English."


Late Night with Seth Meyers

The fast-food chain Popeyes recently began offering a so-called "I Don't Know Meal" for indecisive customers. While Subway released an "I Don't Know Meal" because, legally, they can't call it tuna.


A customer at a bar in New Hampshire recently left an anonymous $16,000 tip on a $37 tab. Although according to the panicked voicemails left on the bar's phone, his name is Chad and no, he did not.


The Biden administration has reportedly run out of ideas to encourage more people to get the coronavirus vaccine. Luckily, the virus is coming up with new ideas all the time!


Fox News is reportedly planning to launch a 24-hour weather channel later this year. Finally, branching out into something where it's acceptable to be wrong half the time!


Today was actor Harrison Ford's 79th birthday. In the next Indiana Jones movie, he searches an ancient Egyptian temple for the glasses that were on top of his head the whole time.