Late Laughs for the week of August 7-13

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Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Anthony Anderson

Los Angeles is about to reach what the CDC calls a "high COVID community level." Yes, at this point, the COVID numbers in L.A. are as high as the people who live here. Why can't COVID be more like Jimmy and just take the [...] summer off?


Thank you for joining us on a big day in Hollywood. The Emmy nominations came out this morning, alright. ... The most nominated show this year is "Succession," or, as I like to call it, "White-ish."


The big bombshell today [during the Jan. 6 hearings] was that Donald Trump tried to call the witness who was supposed to testify before the committee, but they did not pick up. Can you imagine how good it would feel to look at your phone, see "Donald Trump calling" and send [it] to voicemail?!


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We are coming to you just hours after the Jan. 6 Committee shocked the world [June 28]. ... And nobody saw this coming. They were scheduled to be in recess until the week of July 11. They hauled everybody back in from vacation — Congressman Bennie Thompson was still wearing his floaties!


[Mark Meadows assistant] Cassidy Hutchinson, age 25 ... is testifying despite multiple threats of violence to tell the American people the truth [about Jan. 6]. Well, she can add all this to her resume: Crisis management, excellent recall, bigger balls than Mark Meadows.


If the court believes this type of Christian ritual [praying publicly at midfield during a game], then I'm sure they'll be fine with every religion going varsity. I can't wait for the Satanic cheerleaders: "D-E-V-I-L! Come on, team, let's burn in hell! Sacrifice a goat!"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [June 29] is the iPhone's 15th birthday ... which means right now a Nokia is in a bar somewhere going, "Fifteen years ago I was on top of the world!" ... The iPhone is so popular it single-handedly turned Apple and rice into a trillion-dollar industry.


The FCC has asked Apple and Google to remove TikTok from their app stores over national security concerns. Then Apple and Google saw how much money they were making off TikTok and told the FCC to go FCC themselves.


Empire magazine just released the first look at Kate Winslet in "Avatar: The Way of Water." ... This is the first time Kate's had a blue co-star since Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of "Titanic."


Today [June 30] she [Beyoncé] released the cover art for her new album, "Renaissance," and now I need a new entrance to my July Fourth barbecue. ... That looks like Beyoncé and her horse going through the TSA scanner.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

President Biden called on Congress for a three-month suspension of the Federal Gas Tax. This so-called gas tax holiday would potentially cut 18 cents per gallon during the busiest travel months. If this doesn't work, President Biden's next plan is just to let everything kind of suck until the end of his presidency. ... A gas tax holiday sounds like what Republicans celebrate instead of Earth Day.


A man in Idaho has set a new record by getting 59 marshmallows catapulted into his mouth in one minute. ... I feel like if that had happened during lockdown, we all would have been like, "Oh, that's impressive!" But now, out of lockdown, we're all a bit like, "Dude. What're you doing?" [But] I honestly didn't see much difference between that and what Steph Curry did in the [NBA] finals.


Kylie Jenner wore a bridal dress [to the Met Gala] with a veil that was paired with a backwards baseball cap, and if you don't like the look, speak now or forever hold your peace. Kylie looks like a bride who's having a destination wedding — and that destination is Dave & Busters.


Lizzo arrived on the red carpet [at the Met Gala] and she was playing the flute. She was playing the flute with corkscrew nails. ... You've heard of Edward Scissorhands; this is Wine-pour Lizzo Hands.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Supreme Court ruled today [June 30] that the EPA does not have the authority to set emissions standards for existing power plants, but they are going to let you use the smoke for gender reveals.


President Biden spoke today [May 11] in Illinois about his plan to support farmers. Although, I feel like he should be asking about their plan to support him: "You guys got one of those 'Charlotte's Web' spiders that can write something nice about me?"


Bill Gates announced yesterday [May 10] that he tested positive for a breakthrough case of the coronavirus. Gates said he probably got the virus because he forgot to install McAfee.


A House Intelligence subcommittee is set next week to hold the first congressional hearing on UFOs. Oh, come on! How many times are you going to make [Mark Zuckerberg] testify?


Actor James Cromwell superglued himself to the counter of a Starbucks in New York yesterday [May 10] to protest the chain charging more for plant-based milks, while over at Dunkin', you just kind of stick to the counter naturally.


Two unoccupied beach houses in North Carolina recently fell into the ocean or, as the the realtor put it, "360-degree ocean views."


A rat ran onto the field during last night's Mets game. A staff member quickly caught it and, out of habit, tossed it to a kid in the front row.


An alligator was recently spotted in the drive-thru of a restaurant in North Carolina. But this is annoying: he had no idea what he wanted.