Jimmy Kimmel Live! 

We are coming to you from Los Angeles, where what they call a "Safer At Home" order is in effect. Aren't we always safer at home?

China adopted this rectal test and it seems to have made an impact. In fact, they have not reported a single new local case of COVID-19 in more than a week. You know what? If our government was doing anal swabs, I'd stay inside, too. I think maybe that's the answer.

Israel's former head of space security is claiming in a new book that alien beings from outer space have been in contact with the U.S. and Israeli governments for years -- I am more likely to believe that there are aliens among us than I am to believe Donald Trump kept quiet about it.

If they put [Trump] back on [Facebook], we should all get off. We should just all get right off. Turn Facebook into a Blockbuster video store.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I had a lovely day! Evie and I went to a place right on the Hudson River called Little Island. It's a small, little man-made island they've got there ... we took in some fresh air, took in some beautiful views, tested out what it would be like to flee from humanity onto an island off the coast. 

COVID cases are rising in all 50 states. All. Fifty. States — but that's where I live ...

I salute you, sir! Sure you could have just called in sick, but you faked your own abduction. That's a level of ingenuity and resourcefulness that I'm guessing you don't put in at work.

You know it's bad when an organization that includes the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians says you're too racist.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The [Olympics opening] ceremony had everything you could possibly want: music, dancing, fireworks and — the showstopper — a greased-up flag-bearer from Tonga. That baby oil is the first good PR Johnson & Johnson has had in a year.

The official motto for this year's Olympics is "United by Emotion." The unofficial motto is "As of Right Now, We're Still Doing This."

Last night, Fox News aired a 10-second public service announcement urging viewers to get the vaccine. Although it didn't help when they ended the PSA by saying, "Just so you know, this could be the microchip talking."

Amazon's Alexa just rolled out a male voice assistant and his name is Ziggy. Right now Jeff Bezos is thinking, "I go to space for 11 minutes and you name the voice Ziggy?! What's going on?"

Twitter is testing a new feature that lets users up-vote and down-vote tweets. That's great! It's like executives looked at Twitter and thought, "How could we make this place even more toxic?"

I read that muffins sold at Walmart and 7-Eleven have been recalled over concerns about listeria. Walmart apologized, while 7-Eleven just slapped on a sticker that said "Listeria Flavored."

Late Night with Seth Meyers

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi yesterday rejected two of Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy's picks to sit on the select committee investigating the January attack on the Capitol; specifically the podium thief and the Viking guy.

According to a new study, women spend more money on home decor, health and clothes than men because, for men, that's all one expense: "Hey, I cut my hand. Can I use that T-shirt you're using as a curtain to bandage it up?"

Today is National Hammock Day. Yeah, I don't like to make plans on Hammock Day because they're really hard to get out of.

The White House reportedly held high-level discussions recently with Fox News over its coronavirus vaccine coverage. Well, good luck with that! You might be able to talk some sense into the Fox & Friends or Bret Baier, but once Fox News After Dark starts, it's the Wild West. Tucker Carlson will tell you the vaccines are dangerous while getting the vaccine.

According to a new book, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley was worried that former president Trump would incite a coup after losing the 2020 election. We really need to come up with a better early warning system than tell-all books: "We're in danger! Quick, get me a typewriter!"

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

Doctors in China removed more than 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a five-year-old boy. Wow, wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.

A space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know it's not Elon's [Musk] fault. A lot of people have been wondering why [he is] hosting our show. Now we know it's because he needed an alibi.

A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. Oh, I'm sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was: "Donald Trump launches new blog."

CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation's room-temperature White Claw. I guess that we shouldn't have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that's still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.