Late Laughs for the week of August 28 - September 3

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

Robert Pattinson has been declared the most attractive man in the world, according to science ... [and] the golden ratio, which was used by Leonardo Da Vinci. Da Vinci also dissected 30 corpses in his lifetime, so maybe we should stop listening to that guy.


The toy company Nerf has just introduced their first-ever mascot. It's made entirely out of Nerf darts and it's called Merf. ... Looks like if the Navy SEALs were training to go undercover in a bounce house.


An invasive species of earthworm is now moving through the northeast. It's true. They're called "jumping worms." Scientists say they have the potential to ruin ecosystems by leeching nutrients from the soil and that they're described as "earthworms on steroids." Scientists realized this when one of the worms hit 73 home runs in a single season.


A man in the United Kingdom said he was tired of paying for new shoes, so ... he had his favorite Nike sneakers tattooed onto his feet. ... There have to be some limits to the idea of "Just Do It."


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This weekend, the United States Senate finally approved a bill to fight climate change. Thank God we're going to at least try to save the planet -- that's where I keep most of my stuff!


Earlier this year, the New York Times' Maggie Haberman reported that during the ex-president's time in office, White House staff found papers clogging a toilet, "believing Trump had flushed material he'd ripped into pieces." Not the first time the former president tried to flush something embarrassing; one time the staffers went in there and found Eric!


We have learned that the DC Comics film "Batgirl" will be completely shelved by Warner Bros., which means they will not be releasing the movie on any platform. ... You almost never see a movie studio bail on a project like this completely -- especially since they've already spent an estimated $90 million, which they are now taking as a tax write-up. [This] explains Warner Bros.' next movie: "The Deductible Hulk."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last night [Aug. 1], President Biden made the big announcement that the U.S. took out the leader of al-Qaida, Ayman al-Zawahiri, with a drone strike. ... Biden took out al-Zawahiri, Obama took out bin Laden and Trump said, "OK, who wants to order takeout?"


Most Americans didn't care that China was mad [about Nancy Pelosi's visit to Taiwan] until they remembered that China still owns TikTok: "Nancy, what have you done?"


Tiger Woods turned down an $800-million offer to join the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tournament. The last time Tiger lost $800 million was when he dropped his wallet.


Some business news: Amazon just started offering same-day deliveries from mall stores like Diesel, PacSun and GNC. That's right, it's big news: Diesel is still in business. Yup, they're making deliveries from Diesel, PacSun and, apparently, 2007!


On Sunday [Aug. 7], Senate democrats were able to pass a massive climate, health-care and tax bill called the Inflations Reduction Act. The bill was passed 51 to 50, which was a great way to let the world know that half of us are united.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Dana Carvey

Donald Trump claims he's already made up his mind about 2024 and he's still trying to figure out when he's going to announce his official decision. Trump says he's very confident that he'd win and that people would want him to run. ... Yes, a vast majority of Americans want Donald Trump to run. Head first, into oncoming traffic.


Trump has all the best doctors. He just went for his checkup at the Mayo Clinic. Not the hospital, it's a mayonnaise shop in Rancho Cucamonga.


[When] Melania heard Trump might be running [for president again in 2024], she booked a one-way ticket on "Air Force Done."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC, kicked off today in Texas, and former president Trump will speak on the last day of the event. He's expected to talk about taxes, gun rights, immigration, Bugs Bunny, pretzels, the 2003 Chevy Camaro, Mr. Met, Selena Gomez, the canceled "Batgirl" movie, the final episode of "M*A*S*H" and, finally, why hot dogs are sandwiches.


President Biden tested positive for the coronavirus again yesterday, or as he's thinking of it, a second term!


It was announced yesterday that the long-running soap opera "Days of our Lives" will move next month from NBC to the streaming service Peacock. So, if you're a big fan of "Days of our Lives," you're never going to find Peacock.


A Chick-fil-A restaurant in North Carolina is facing criticism after it was looking for volunteers to work at the location's drive-thru who would be given five free entrées for a one-hour shift instead of being paid. Perhaps most offensive, calling a sandwich from Chick-fil-A an "entrée."


A woman in Minnesota has set a Guinness World Record for world's longest fingernails -- also, world's worst texter.