Late Laughs for the week of August 22 - 28

« Back to Talk


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I want to congratulate the Milwaukee Bucks for winning their first NBA championship in 50 years. That's right, they beat the Phoenix Suns 105-98, but, of course, Arizona has demanded a recount.


A new poll found that 66% of Americans approve of Biden's handling of the coronavirus. The other 34% liked it the way things used to be, back when we had to Clorox wipe our bananas.


CNN just announced that they're launching their own streaming service called CNN . I'm pretty sure there's already a place to stream CNN 24 hours a day. It's called CNN.


Get this: Hidden Valley is now selling a one-and-a-half-pound tub of something called Pepperoni Pizza Dip, proving once and for all that some things from Hidden Valley should probably remain hidden.


As if all the COVID concerns around the [Olympic] Games weren't enough, a bear was spotted inside the softball stadium and is still on the loose. What an Olympics this is going to be! I mean, between the bears and getting a disease, it's like we sent our athletes to a game of Oregon Trail.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Monday, [Minority Leader Kevin] McCarthy picked his five Republicans to add to [his Jan. 6 riot committee] and there seemed to be one common denominator in all of the minority leader's choices: no minority choices. It's an ad for inferior bleach, because those are a bunch of dull whites!


Most of this [recent threefold increase in virus cases] was caused by the Delta variant, but that's not the only flavor of COVID out there, and experts are warning "more variants are coming." Oh no! This is going to be just like the Real Housewives: new variants popping up all over the country. It's only a matter of time before one of the strains releases its own line of vodka.


Facebook find [COVID conspiracy] groups using keywords, but they're having trouble now because some anti-vax groups are changing their names to euphemisms like 'Dance Party' in order to skirt bans from Facebook. So, get ready for new dance crazes like Actual Saturday Night Fever, the Harlem Ache and the (F)loss of Taste and Smell.


The pandemic has aggravated our preexisting condition of obscenely rich people. According to Bloomberg, superyacht charters are up over 340%. This is disgusting. In our time of need, the ultra-rich shouldn't be blowing their money on boats — that's money that could be used to launch giant penises into space.


Yacht sales are also booming. ... These yachts have everything you could want and a lot you don't ... many yachts will have a chopper come to replenish the caviar supply halfway through a trip. That must be traumatic for the fish watching from the ocean: "Oh look, honey, the kids are coming to visit! What?! No! Toast points?!"


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Anthony Anderson

The Milwaukee Bucks won their first NBA title in 50 years. They beat [the] Phoenix [Suns] 105 to 98. The game was such a disaster for the Suns, Chris Paul had to file a claim with State Farm to cover his losses.


Bezos wasn’t alone up there [in space] . ... He took a diverse crew of four different kinds of white people, including his younger brother, Mark, who looks like the cheapest version of Jeff Bezos sold on Amazon. It’s Bargain Bezos!


The NCAA recently decided that college athletes can finally get paid for endorsement deals, which is long overdue. I just hope they’re for products that college students actually use. Like, I don’t want them sponsored by Gucci or Rolex; do some commercials [for] Top Ramen and cheap weed.


Much of the [NBA] focus this year has been the star of the Bucks, the Greek Freak, Yonnis Antetokounmpo. Not only is he impossible to defend, he is also impossible to pronounce. Somehow John Travolta got the closest!


You know, a lot of people were wondering why Yonnis [Antetokounmpo] mysteriously left the court during the first quarter in [NBA Final] Games 3 and 4. Well, turns out he had a very good reason: the Greek Freak took a leak! ... How does the biggest guy on the team have the smallest bladder? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Oscar Robertson were in the crowd. Now those dudes are over 70 years old and they didn’t take a tinkle until halftime.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in Las Vegas have voted against a measure that would impose a mask mandate on tourists visiting the Strip. Because, hey, you're there to gamble.


Amazon has begun offering a more masculine-sounding voice option for its virtual assistant, Alexa. It's the only virtual assistant that will talk over you.


First Lady Dr. Jill Biden arrived in Japan today for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. So now they just need about a thousand more doctors.


The world's fastest bullet train was recently unveiled in China, which can travel at over 370 miles per hour. That means that in less than a day you could be on the other side of the country buying new underwear.


Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy has announced that Republicans will run their own investigation into the January incident. So get ready to find out Hillary [Clinton] did it.