Late Laughs for the week of August 21 - 27

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I heard that 7-Eleven gave seven years of free coffee to the parents of a baby born in one of their parking lots in West Virginia. Yeah, and now the baby is one week old just like the hot dogs.


Today [July 19], gas prices in the U.S. hit a two-month low, coming in at just under $4.50 [per gallon]. That story again: gas prices are still high.


I don't know if you've noticed, but it is hot! ... Not just here in the U.S., but there are record-high temperatures all across the world. Seriously, it's so hot, people on TikTok were slapping each other with tortillas just for the breeze.


Over the next few months, [a] Toys 'R' Us will open in every Macy's store across the country. Yeah, they've combined a department store with a toy store, or, as I like to call it: Target.


Today [July 19], former New York City mayor Bill de Blasio dropped out of the race for Congress. The hardest part was breaking the news to his supporter.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Out west, the extreme heat comes with a side of drought. California has imposed "water restrictions this year, including one that limits outdoor watering to only one day a week." It's gotten so bad, Disneyland had to change the name of Splash Mountain to Dusty Gulch.


In Los Angeles, in order to curb water usage, water police are going door to door. ... Water police are walking around the city "looking for sidewalk puddles — a potential sign of misused water." Unlike New York City, where sidewalk puddles are a definite sign of mystery urine. Don't investigate it.


We have breaking news. This just in: at 11:44 [p.m.] eastern time, I am sad to report that actor Miriam Margolyes says Arnold Schwarzenegger deliberately farted in her face while filming the [1999] movie "End of Days." I'm sorry, I have a correction: we have "breaking wind" news. ... [and] I think everyone who saw "End of Days" feels like he farted in our face.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Alabama held a run-off election [on June 21] to choose a Republican candidate for Senate and Rep. Mo Brooks ran as "MAGA Mo" even though Trump endorsed his opponent. This whole thing sounds like Mo Brooks is experiencing a classic case of Mo MAGA, Mo problems.


Cereal giant Kellogg['s] announced [June 21] that they will be splitting into three separate companies: one focused on cereals, one focused on snacks and one focused on plant-based foods. And the fact that cereal isn't included in plant-based foods really makes you wonder: "What are they putting in that stuff?"


In the Maldives, the first blocks of a floating city are now being towed into place. When completed in 2027, the city will be made up of 5,000 floating units with canals that run in between. ... Imagine living in a city made up of multiple floating blocks. People will be like, "Hey, how are things between you and your girlfriend?" And you're like, "Ah, we drifted apart. Literally."


KFC has introduced a new tool to help you enjoy their side dishes. It's called the finger spork [and] it essentially acts as a utensil finger puppet. You've heard of Edward Scissorhands, right? Well, this is equally stupid.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with RuPaul

This is my second summer filling in for Jimmy. When they asked me to come back, I said, "Sure, why not. I already host every other damn show on TV!" And I ain't gonna stop until I'm on TV more than Flo from them Progressive commercials.


Now, of course, the big story today [July 21] is that President Biden tested positive for COVID, but according to the White House, Biden is feeling pretty good for a 300-year-old man. Joe said his symptoms are mild and he'll be back to falling off his bike in no time.


Shark Week is kicking off its 34th installment on the Discovery Channel. In gayer news: Move over, Fashion Week. Make room for the zaddies of the sea! Just when you thought it was safe to sashay your freckled misshapen [butt] back in the water, here comes a great white to snatch your leg off like a pussycat wig. ... These hammerhead [sharks] gon' be at the Jersey Shore gobbling up surfers two by two like Michelle Visage in 1986 and '87 and '88.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden tested positive today for the coronavirus [July 21], so the next two weeks will be hosted by Chelsea Handler! She'll do great — she's a pro.


Former vice-president Mike Pence spoke yesterday [July 20] at a South Carolina church and said that the best part of no longer being in office is that he gets to drive his own car. And he made it very clear that he drives an automatic because it's a sin to drive stick.


Authorities in Spain this week arrested two thieves who allegedly stole 45 bottles of wine from a hotel that were worth nearly $2 million. Even worse, they stole the Toblerone from the minibar, valued at $3 million.


The Mega Millions jackpot [in the U.S.] hit $630 million this week after there were no winners. Whoever wins it this week [July 22] can take the jackpot in instalments, a lump sum or premium unleaded [gas]!


The White House is apparently considering major changes for its communications team. For example, they're going to get one.