The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Happy holidays! It's Shark Week! Merry Shark-mas! Or, for my Jewish shark viewers: Mazel-teeth!

 

On Sunday, there was a speech by Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. The U.S. is about to reimpose sanctions on Iran, and Rouhani warned, "America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother of all wars." Mother's Day in Iran sounds intense. Do not forget to get her a card.

 

Thanks to new tariffs from China and Mexico, there's now 2.5 billion pounds of meat piled up. Good news for McDonald's AND McDonald's Playlands. "Kids, go play in the meat pit."

 

All of this surplus meat has led to a desperate new ad campaign: "Beef: It's what's for dinner. And breakfast, and lunch. Also, you drink it now."

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The Wall Street Journal says that we are living in a "Golden Age of Tattoos," which can only mean that in a few years we'll be living through the "Golden Age of Regret."

 

I heard that you can now buy a Lego version of the Hogwarts Castle that's made up of 6,000 pieces. There's even a name for anyone who finishes it: "He Who Must Not Be Dating Anyone."

 

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National Janice from HR Wants to See You in Her Office Day.

 

Yelp is going to start showing what restaurants scored on their health inspections. So if you want to know how your favorite restaurant did -- trust me, no you don't.

 

Thanks to Trump's trade policies, the U.S. now has a giant stockpile of meat. On the bright side, "giant stockpile of meat" is also a great nickname for Tinder.

 

Sean Spicer has written a new book about his time in the White House, called "The Briefing." And if you want to see him, he'll be at Barnes & Noble tomorrow from 10 a.m. until his shift ends.

 

As part of the Russia investigation, Robert Mueller is now reviewing President Trump's tweets to see if he obstructed justice. So the next time you complain about your job, think of the guy who has to read 40,000 Trump tweets.

 

Trump traveled to Iowa today. He's under so much pressure about Russia and the Michael Cohen tapes that he said, "I gotta get outta the country -- take me to Iowa!"

 

I read that on a recent Air Force One flight, Trump got mad that Melania's TV was tuned to CNN instead of Fox News. People were like, "That's crazy! Donald and Melania flew on the same plane?!"

 

Last night, a heckler showed up at Sean Spicer's book signing. Then Spicer was like, "Sweet! Someone showed up to my book signing!"

 

I heard that in response to President Trump's trade policies, Coca-Cola is raising the price of soda. Marking the first time in his presidency Trump's watched the news and thought, "My God -- what have I done?!"

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

A man in New Hampshire was arrested after walking around a Planet Fitness gym completely naked. He defended himself by telling officers he thought it was a "judgment-free zone," because that's the gym's motto. So apparently there is such a thing as too much body positivity.

 

According to a new report, young Republican staffers in Washington, D.C., are having trouble meeting people on dating apps because they're being harassed for their political views. According to some Republican staffers, they are getting harassed so much on dating apps they're now starting to feel like every woman on every dating app.

 

Following years of complaints, the city of San Francisco has banned tour buses from stopping in front of the home from the TV show "Full House." They won't allow it. This is bad news for tourists. It is. Now you'll have to find something more riveting to do on vacation than sitting in a van very slowly passing by a house.

 

Meanwhile, the Russia investigation is still going on, and now President Trump has reportedly agreed to an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller's team, but only if they leave out any questions about obstruction of justice. Or, in complicated legal terms, "Don't ask me about any of the bad stuff I did."

 

At the Tour de France today, the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races.

 

The company that makes Ritz crackers has recalled 16 products, including Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches, over concerns of salmonella. There's definitely a moment when you're feeling sick and you're wondering, "Is this because I consumed salmonella or because I consumed an entire box of Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches?"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president's attorney, Rudy Giuliani, says Trump would agree to an interview with Robert Mueller, as long as there are no questions about obstruction of justice. I love that. That would be like Bill Cosby agreeing to an interview that's only about pudding.

 

Investigators reportedly have more than 100 audio recordings of Michael Cohen chatting with and about Donald Trump. Apparently, Cohen would record these calls and meetings on his iPhone instead of taking notes, because it was easier than taking notes. I'm starting to think maybe Trump doesn't hire all "the best people."

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A Montana man was awarded his wife's weight in beer over the weekend after he carried her on his back through an obstacle course to win the Rocky Mountain Wife Carrying Championship. And the winner of the husband carrying championship: Beyoncé!

 

Today was National Intern Day. So don't forget to send them to go get themselves a card for you to sign.

 

New York's MTA gave a presentation this week to attempt to explain the subway system's recent fall in ridership. They shut the lights off in the auditorium, cranked the heat up to 115, peed on the floor and said, "that's pretty much it."

 

A $40-million yacht owned by Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was untied and set adrift last week. And then, this is concerning, she got in her car to go get it.

 

President Trump headed to the Midwest today and left the White House without addressing the media. Which reporters are calling an "outrage" and a "snub" and a "relief."