Late Laughs for the week of August 15 - 21

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Virgin Galactic admits it faked the video of [Richard] Branson's pre-launch bike ride. What? What?! It was all a fake? What else are they lying about? Is that rocket even a real virgin? ... It's pretty bold to lie when you're actually in a town called Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.


The Delta strain [of COVID-19] is "more transmissible than any other variant" because it has "multiple mutations" — and not one of them includes mutton shops and adamantium claws.


According to highly placed sources on the internet, Taco Bell's menu has been hit by a nationwide shortage of ingredients. Wow! I had no idea Taco Bell had ingredients!


Steve Scalise [who only just got his first vaccination] is like the guy who just now found out about "Bridgerton": "You guys, it's like Jane Austen but with high, tight man butt! That Shonda Rhimes has got a real future!"


Some places are reinstating mask mandates, like Clark Country, Nevada, home of Las Vegas, which "require employees of indoor public spaces to wear masks while at work." OK, that's tough news for many Vegas employees — unless you're a ventriloquist, because your job just got way easier.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

This weekend President Biden went after big social media platforms like Facebook for not doing enough to stop the spread of COVID misinformation. ... You know there's a problem with Facebook when you can find more honest information on Tinder.


Biden and his administration are busy! In fact, they are now reversing a Trump-era rule that made showerheads have more water flow. In response, Trump spent the day inciting a riot in the plumbing section of a Home Depot.


The Olympics are almost here and the athletes in the Olympic Village are sleeping on beds made of cardboard. Some people think that they're meant to discourage any intimacy. ... That's right, because of COVID, organizers want to make sure every athlete is as celibate as a badminton player.


Yesterday, during his weekly address, Pope Francis urged people to learn how to take a break and turn off their phones. ... The pope said to look closely at [da Vinci's] "The Last Supper" and notice how everyone left their phones in a pile at the end of the table.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Even though nearly half of Americans want The Rock [Dwayne Johnson] to run for president, he doesn't want to do it. I hate to stir the pot, but Vin Diesel would never let the American people down like this.


Speedo has unveiled a futuristic new swimsuit. It's [being called] the most intelligent swimsuit of all time. Each suit uses energy-harvesting fabric, as well as a built-in AI coach. ... I'm genuinely thinking of getting one of these for summer. I really am. [I want to] see what a built-in AI coach has to say about me standing in the shallow end drinking a margarita.


According to a new survey, there's one board game that leads to the most fights among family and friends, and it's Monopoly. Monopoly apparently leads to problems like someone quitting because they're losing, or someone accusing another player of cheating. The same study found that one in five people have actually banned Monopoly from their game nights — the other four people are just messy [people] who live for the drama.


Researchers from Tufts University say that we should embrace our nightmares because having weird dreams can actually help us cope with the stresses and strains of everyday life. And if that doesn't work, there's always tequila!


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Anthony Anderson

I'm hustling right now. Look, I've got "Black-ish," "To Tell The Truth," Jimmy's prime-time specials and this show. I'm also gonna be the next "Bachelorette." Yeah, I need the money. I'm trying to save up $30 million for a coach seat on that Jeff Bezos rocket.


Today is the six-month mark of the Biden Presidency. ... Biden's done a lot since January. He got almost half of Americans vaccinated, signed a $1.9 trillion COVID relief bill and started dating Olivia Rodrigo. Now that she's got her driver's license, she can take him to his urology appointments.


The president hosted the Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the White House today. ... Tom Brady was also there to celebrate his team and workshop some new material. I guess he's not golfing at Mar-A-Lago anytime soon.


There was a lot going on at [NBA's] Game 5. Look, one fan sitting courtside even snuck a whole bottle of tequila into the arena. And that fan was LeBron James; sneaking booze into the finals like it was a flight on Spirit Airlines. Look, his movie made $30 million this weekend, you'd think he could afford a brown paper bag.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Major League Baseball has reportedly banned a New York Yankees fan for life from every MLB ballpark after he threw a ball from the stands on Saturday at a Boston Red Sox outfielder. Said the Yankees: "Does he have a curveball?"


In a new interview ahead of his spaceflight tomorrow, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos said that he'd been dreaming about this for his whole life. Of course, in his dream, he ejects from the rocket and then it crashes into an independent bookstore.


The House of Representatives returned today after a two-week recess. It's the only recess Matt Gaetz is allowed within 500 feet of.


Senate Democrats unveiled details yesterday for their new $3.5-trillion spending proposal focusing on so-called human infrastructure, which will include money for child care, paid family leave and housing programs. Or as Republicans are calling it, "socialism, fascism and critical race theory."