Late Laughs for the week of August 14 - 20

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Now they're not sure how the president [Joe Biden] contracted COVID. I suspect he wished on a cursed monkey's paw for any "positive news." Got to be careful!


We are getting a sequel [to the Jan. 6 hearings] in September, and a fall hearing is perfect because the former president [Donald Trump] is pumpkin spice.


There was a whole list of security officials the president [Trump] didn't reach out to that day [Jan. 6]. ... He did not call them from a box. He did not call while watching Fox. He did not help out Uncle Sam. His brain is made of eggs and ham.


According to CBS News, "brutal and dangerous temperatures are being felt from California to Massachusetts." OK, CBS News, just say "America." That's like telling your partner ... I have this little rash from my right toe to my left ear.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I want to say congratulations to our friends Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, who got married over the weekend in Las Vegas! That's right, they got married at a drive-thru chapel. You know inflation is bad when even those two are like, "Let's just do it in Vegas."


Dr. Fauci said that he plans to retire by the end of President Biden's term. Then everyone turned to Biden like, "Is there anything you'd like to announce, too?" Of course, when he's gone, Fauci will be replaced by a new, slightly weaker variant.


According to a recent study, COVID can live on frozen meat for more than a month. I feel bad for the scientists who spent a month rubbing nasal swabs on frozen meat. You know we're living through fun times when you're giving sausage a PCR test.


Hasbro and the New York Times are creating a new Wordle board game. It's called Wordle: The Party Game, and we actually got a sneak peek at the instructions. Step 1: Throw a party. Step 2: Say, "Hey, anyone want to play the new Wordle board game?" Step 3: "Wait ... you ALL have to leave?" Step 4: Clean up and play Wordle alone on your phone.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Queen Elizabeth has gotten a new haircut. ... The queen's getting ready for the hotter weather; by August she's just going to go to the hairdresser and say, "Just give me the full Vin Diesel."


Boris Johnson was reportedly forced to scrap plans to build a treehouse on the grounds of the prime minister's country estate, which would have cost the taxpayer[s] $180,000. Another house he's lost support in!


[June 21] was the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year, and to celebrate, thousands gathered at Stonehenge for the first time since 2019. Look at them — kicking off hot druid summer!


During the [Jan. 6 Committee] hearing [on June 21], it was revealed that Trump's chief of staff suggested sending a gift to the people conducting the audit in Georgia, and that gift — we are not making this up — was autographed MAGA hats. I love that Trump is even cheap with his bribes!


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Kerry Washington

I'm only hosting ["Jimmy Kimmel Live!"] for one night, which honestly is still one night more than Jimmy has worked this entire summer!


It's a big night here on Hollywood Boulevard; the ESPY Awards are happening right across the street from us and I was thinking about it today — you know, the nice thing about an awards show where every presenter is a totally ripped athlete is that no one's gonna walk up there and try to slap them.


I'm so happy to be here tonight with all of you in a studio that has central air conditioning. There are heat warnings and advisories all across the country right now. You guys remember my show "Little Fires Everywhere"? Well ... honestly, that's basically the weather forecast every day right now.


According to a senior vice-president at Google, about 40% of young people prefer using TikTok and Instagram when they're searching for information. ... This is kind of alarming, right? This is very alarming. No one should have to watch a twerking 14-year-old to learn where to find a vaccine for monkeypox.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The National Archives yesterday [July 19] asked the Secret Service to provide information about the deletion of agents' text messages pertaining to the Capitol attack. "Who's laughing now," said the one agent with an Android, who wasn't allowed in the group chat.


Former New York mayor Bill de Blasio announced yesterday [July 19] he's ending his congressional campaign, and I'm guessing this is not how Bill de Blasio wanted everyone to learn he had a congressional campaign.


Netflix reported yesterday that it lost nearly one million subscribers in the last three months. Well, Netflix, I think you have your answer [to the "Are you still watching?" pop up].


Two governing bodies of quidditch have announced that they will change the name of the sport to quadball in an effort to distance themselves from [Harry Potter author] J.K. Rowling. Said bullies: "Fine. Let's go beat up the quadball players, then."


After a man recently fell and injured himself at Lake Tahoe, his border collie ran 200 yards through a remote area of the forest to lead rescue crews to his owner, while his French bulldog ran six feet and immediately died.