Late Laughs for the week of August 1 - 7

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The Late Late Show with James Corden

According to a new survey, one in four workers has plans to start looking for a new job once the pandemic ends. It does make sense. Once your boss has heard you using the bathroom during a Zoom meeting, you can't go back there.


A single parking space in a luxury Hong Kong apartment building recently sold for a new world record amount. It sold for $1.5 million, which breaks down to more than $11,000 per square foot. I'd love it if they bought that for $1.5 million and they just parked a 1998 Honda Odyssey. One point five million dollars for a parking space; to which people in L.A. were like, "Oh my God! You found parking?! Where?"


According to a new study, 68% of pet owners say that their pet makes the final decision on whom they date. It's true, the survey involved 2,000 single pet owners, and when it comes to opinions on a partner, two-thirds of them trust their pets more than friends or family. We can never let cats know that they have this level of power.


A judge in England recently ruled for an employee who sued his employer, saying that going to the pub after calling in sick to work is not a firable offence. I mean the stones on this guy! Like, "Dave, you called in sick and went to the pub that same day. I'm afraid that's going to be a mark on your record." "Oh yeah? I'll see you in court."


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Oscar Meyer is seeking new drivers for its famous "Weinermobile." They're looking for recent college graduates to take on the one-year paid job crisscrossing the country in the iconic 27-foot-long, hot dog-shaped vehicle. Because nothing says "thank you, mom and dad, for working your entire lives so I could get a BFA in musical theater" quite like spending a year driving a beef-stick limousine.


Prosecutors are investigating whether [bodyguard Matthew] Calamari received something called "tax-free fringe benefits," which is when an employee received benefits such as free apartments, subsidized rent or car leases from an employer and doesn't pay taxes on such benefits. Wait — giving Calamari perks in exchange for his loyalty? That is a clear "squid pro quo."


Prosecutors are also investigating Calamari's son, Matthew Calamari Jr. ... [and] prosecutors recently advised both men to hire lawyers. You know the world is upside down when the Calamari are ordering lawyers for the whole table.


Chinese scientists may have the key to delaying aging. The scientists inactivated the KAT7 gene in the livers of mice and that extended their lifespan by about 25%, and the mice show overall improved appearance and grip strength. That's what we need: immortal mice who can strangle us.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Willy Nelson is ... our guest tonight. For appearing on the show, we sent Willie and edible arrangement. Not fruit, it was an arrangement of edibles.


Former vice-president Mike Pence made his clearest effort yet to distance himself from Trump by saying he was "proud" to certify the election. Wow! This is a whole different side of Pence! Next he says he wants to be grand marshal of the Pride Parade.


According to a new book, Trump made fun, apparently, of Rudy Giuliani for spitting during meetings and even told him that he "sucked" on TV. Spitting, sucking, sweating, leaking: he's like every awful guy at Planet Fitness rolled into one guy.


Vice-President Kamala Harris made her first visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. She visited the border-town of El Paso — is it me, or [is] "El Paso" not the best name for a border town? How about "no paso"?


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Wanda Sykes

I'm your guest host for the week, Wanda Sykes. ... I've been covering for lots of people who are getting time off: Ellen [DeGeneres] last week, Jimmy [Kimmel] this week. Next week I'll be filling in for Bill Cosby at the Pennsylvania State Penitentiary.


So this year, the Fourth of July fell on a Sunday. So, all over America people were sitting in church wearing star-spangled booty shorts just as the Founding Fathers intended.


You know, the CDC told people to be careful over the holiday weekend because of that Delta strain of COVID. But that's not the only thing they're warning us about. This is a real thing the CDC tweeted out from their official account: "Don't swim or let your kids swim if sick with diarrhea. One person with diarrhea can contaminate the entire pool." ... So, to recap, folks: please don't get diarrhea in the pool. Get diarrhea at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company like a normal American.


Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon yesterday. Oh boy! So ... you know what that means. ... It means my fish oil pills are gonna be delayed.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Mike Pence was booed at a Conservative conference in Florida. Of course, a few months ago they were trying to kill him. Getting booed is the Mike Pence equivalent of a standing ovation.


Republican Sen. Lindsay Graham said in an interview yesterday that if President Biden wants "an infrastructure deal" of a trillion dollars, it's there for the taking. Added Graham: "Go on, it's right over there. Under that crate. Propped up with a stick."


A New York City council candidate is receiving attention online after a video of him visiting a dominatrix was posted to Twitter. The whole incident was so humiliating, he gave the dominatrix an extra $1,000.


Carnival Cruise Line told customers last week that a data breach may have exposed the personal information of employees and customers. So, if you've been on a Carnival cruise recently, now you have a second problem!