The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It is Monday [March 28], unless you're Chris Rock, because I'm pretty sure he got slapped into next week.

Russia still cannot overcome Ukraine's fierce resistance. ... Now, evidently, they're also running low on basic equipment, including camouflage, which is why they've resorted to tree branches and straw to conceal their tanks and other armored vehicles. ... Other Russian units have tried hiding their vehicles with festive garlands. Those tanks look like they were decorated by a divorced dad who forgot about Christmas.

I've interviewed 80 members of congress and I'd have sex with two and a half of them. Not at the same time, of course, I'm not in the GOP.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The House committee investigating the Capitol riot says that Trump's White House phone records have a seven-hour gap on Jan. 6. Seven hours. Now, I don't know if anyone else is a fan of the show "Dateline," but if your phone records are missing even 10 minutes, you're guilty. ... The only time there should be a seven-hour gap is when you're trying to remember what happened on St. Patrick's Day.

After President Biden's recent remark that Putin cannot remain in power, a reporter asked Biden if he thinks his comment could escalate his behavior. Yeah, because up until now Putin has kept things pretty chill, I think.

FedEx just announced that after more than 50 years, its founder and CEO is stepping down. Yep, on his last day he'll be driven home and then thrown onto his front lawn.

Apparently, Verizon customers have been receiving spam texts from their own phone numbers. It's weird when you get a text from yourself at 2 a.m. that says, "Me up?" Meanwhile, AT&T customers are like, "Ha ha, that's what you get for using a company that has cell service!"

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Earlier today [March 29], Russia and Ukraine held peace talks and there was some progress made with Russia promising to scale down its operation in northern Ukraine and Kyiv. Looks like those blue-and-yellow ribbons at the Oscars worked, guys!

This is true, they [the Jan. 6 committee] are now investigating whether Trump used disposable burner phones. Trump denied it, saying, "I've never had a burner phone. I've had a couple of burner wives, but no burner phones."

Hillary Clinton is venturing into community theater. ... She will voice the off-stage role of the giant in an Arkansas production of "Into the Woods." Now it hasn't happened yet, so let's be careful about getting too excited. Last time Hillary was a shoo-in for something, it did not turn out too well.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I wonder if there's anyone in the audience who doesn't know what happened last night at the Oscars? ... The old Hitch slap. It's now a part of our lives forever. We will never stop talking about this. ... Even Kanye was like, "You went onstage and did what at an award show?"

One of the unintended effects of what happened on Sunday is that Chris Rock's ticket sales are up! He's got a show in Boston tonight [March 31]. I went on Stubhub [and] the tickets are crazy expensive. It's $886 for a balcony seat, $1,705 for mezzanine. By the end of this tour, Chris Rock will have enough money to actually produce "G.I. Jane 2."

Yesterday, they [Trump's press team] released a video that reports to show Donald Trump just as he realized he made a hole-in-one! ... Now, we didn't see the shot of course, so there's about a 98% chance one of his assistants dropped it in there. ... Trump, of course, put out a statement about this. He said ... "It took place at Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach ... on the 7th hole, which was playing 181 yards into a slight wind. I hit a 5-iron, which sailed magnificently into a rather strong wind, with approximately five feet of cut, whereupon it bounced twice and then went clank, into the hole. Does anyone believe he wrote the word "whereupon" in his [statement]? That's less believable than the hole-in-one itself.

In Florida yesterday [March 29] that controversial Parental Rights in Education bill, also known as the Don't Say Gay bill, was signed into law. ... I kind of love that it's called "don't say gay" because you have to say gay to say it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The 94th Academy Awards were held last night [March 27] and featured the first live performance of "We Don't Talk About Bruno" from the Disney musical "Encanto," followed by an unbelievable live performance of "We Don't Talk About Jada [Pinkett-Smith]."

Pepsi has announced a partnership with the restaurant chain IHOP, offering Pepsi Maple Syrup: Great if you love Pepsi, but wish it took half an hour to pour one.

President Biden yesterday [March 29] signed an anti-lynching bill into law, and not, as I would have hoped, President Buchanan.

After it was reported that former president Trump may have communicated during the Capitol attack using so-called burner phones, Trump released a statement on Monday [March 28] that said, "I have no idea what a burner phone is. To the best of my knowledge, I've never even heard the term." I love the way he always goes a little too far with his denials. It's like if someone said, "Hey man, I haven't seen your wife lately," and you said, "I wouldn't even know how to poison someone."