Late Laughs for the week of April 17 - 23

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Pharmaceutical companies have stopped shipping non-essential drugs to Russia, including Abbvie, ... the company that makes Botox, which is interesting because Vladimir Putin is widely rumored to use Botox. What a weird time for Russians: their assets are frozen, but their foreheads are not.


Judge [Ketanji Brown] Jackson would be the first Black woman on the Supreme court [and] she doesn't need any Republican votes to get confirmed because the vice president, [Kamala Harris], is the tiebreaker. ... That would be the GOP's ultimate nightmare: having things decided by two Black women whose names they can't pronounce.


Things are loosening up, COVID-wise, [in Los Angeles] — or at least COVID-safety-wise. We're keeping the COVID and we're getting rid of the safety. Indoor concertgoers and fans at sporting events here in L.A. will no longer have to show proof of vaccination starting April 1. I guess they figure if we get hit with a new variant, they can just say "April Fools!"


Does anyone else get nervous whenever Biden travels overseas? It's the same feeling you get when your grandma renews her driver's license.


[The United States] must be driving them [Ukrainians] nuts. Ukraine is asking for a no-fly zone and we're offering more sanctions. We're like the house that hands out toothbrushes on Halloween.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Right now Russia is mainly targeting political figures [with sanctions], but that might change. Their foreign ministry announced "it intends to sanction more U.S. officials, military leaders, lawmakers and members of the media who are critical of the country." Members of the media who are critical of Russia? Why, that's me! I better get a sanction. I'm gonna be so mad if John Oliver gets a ban from Russia and I don't -- he only criticizes Putin once a week!


At last week's [Space X] launch, [Elon] Musk hit back at the Russkies' [agency boss Dmitry Rogozin], saying "time to let [the] American broomstick fly..." Take that, Russia! We don't need you! We just need help from a wack-a-doo billionaire who shoots sports cars into high orbit and thinks imaginary dog money should live in the cloud.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

After a two-year hiatus, the St. Patrick's Day Parade finally returned to New York City. ... Some people wore shirts that said "Kiss me, I'm Irish," while others opted for the newer "Kiss me, rapid's negative."


Pizza Hut is bringing back its Big Dinner box. It's perfect for the [March Madness] tournament, because if you eat that alone, your life expectancy goes from 64 to 32 to 16 to eight to ...


A man in Florida accidentally spent the night in a stranger's home because he thought it was his Airbnb. The guy apologized and then drove off in the stranger's car.


KFC Australia is launching an 11-course fine dining menu with a wine pairing. Yeah, most fine dining meals don't come with a spork!


The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Senate passed a bill to make Daylight Saving Time permanent ... and if it passes in the House, it means the clock stays as it is and we wouldn't have to fall back in autumn. ... They're calling it the "Sunshine Protection Act," which is actually my favorite Maroon 5 album.


Earlier today, the Eiffel tower got even taller -- this is true. A new antenna got attached to the top of the monument today, so the tower is officially 19 feet taller. To which the Empire State Building was like, "It's actually more about girth."


Disneyland is offering a new food item that is proving to be extremely divisive among park guests. ... It's a desert pasta -- it's peanut butter and jelly pasta. ... It was eating that that gave Eeyore depression.


[The Rockefeller Center ice skating rink] closes for the season this weekend, but for the very first time in decades, it's going to be replaced with a roller-skating rink. First ice skating, now roller skating -- Rockefeller Center is excited about it, too. They're promoting it as, "Now you can fracture your pelvis all year round!"


A Silicon Valley venture capital firm has now apologized after they posted a job opening this week that required applicants to submit their IQ scores. ... The Silicon Valley company said they will instead continue hiring people the old-fashioned way: giving jobs to their friends' kids.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Netflix announced yesterday [March 16] that the political satire show "Servant of the People" that stars Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy will return to the platform, and they're also taking down Putin's standup special.


A cargo ship named Ever Forward is stuck in Maryland's Chesapeake Bay after running aground on a sandbar, and they're really rolling the dice by sending the Never Sinks to save it.


Republican Pennsylvania Senate hopeful Dr. Mehmet Oz said yesterday [March 16] that he would renounce his dual Turkish citizenship if he gets elected. No word yet on when he'll renounce the title of "Doctor."


And finally, tomorrow [March 18] is National Awkward Moments Day. This news first reported by the guy who was actually waving to the person behind you.