Late Laughs for the week of September 6 - 12, 2020

« Back to Talk


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I do want to thank my wife and kids again for everything they did to help produce the show while I was home. I just want to say, over the last five months, y'all became like a family to me.


The only thing this office doesn't have is guests ... unless I take the hydroxychloroquine and start hallucinating them.


Given the ongoing pandemic, this year's [Sturgis Motorcycle Rally] was more of a sedate affair with a turnout of merely 250,000 people who completely ignored social distancing guidelines. What did you expect? The show's not called "Sons of Responsibility."


Republicans propose reducing the $600 weekly supplement to $200. They're also proposing turning the Food Stamp program into actual stamps you lick for sustenance.


[Kamala] Harris is the first Black woman and the first person of Indian descent to be nominated for national office by a major party, so Trump's going to have a hard time deciding exactly how to be racist about her.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

During a historic pandemic that has crippled the economy, the president of the United States signed four executive orders to help the unemployed from his private country club. Even Marie Antoinette was like, "Come on man, read the room."


A jeweler says he's making the world's most expensive face mask encrusted with gold and diamonds, at the price of $1.5 million. It's perfect if you want both pro- and anti-mask people to hate you.


Yesterday was the start of Shark Week on Discovery Channel. I hate to be a downer, but sharks are way down the list of scary things right now. At this point, it's safer to swim around the Atlantic dressed like a seal than it is to go to Applebee's.


7-Eleven is introducing a new line of never-frozen pastries baked fresh in stores nationally. Now their goods are freshly baked, just like the kid working behind the counter.


The new COVID vaccine has been approved by four out of five Russian scientists, and in a related story, one out of five Russian scientists are now missing.


Why do we even need Halloween this year? Every day we're walking around in a mask completely terrified.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I've never done a monologue or interviewed celebrities, but before this year, I'd also never gone to Whole Foods in a Hazmat suit. So, let's give it a shot!


They said a female president would be too emotional. "Once a month she'll go crazy," they said. Can you imagine? A president who only goes crazy once a month?


My whole family is Jamaican, and they always give me a hard time for being the least Jamaican member of the family, but I think it's their fault for naming me Sarah. "Sarah Cooper" sounds like a character on "The OC" who was written out in Season 2.


I heard this rumor that the software engineers at Google are so proud of working there that they have sex with their badges on. That's a joke. They do not have sex.


Tonight starts the sixth month of quarantine for many of us. And this has been especially tedious for me because, unlike most people, I don't drink. Here's a fun fact: playing Boggle without wine? Insufferable.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new report, a record number of people have given up their U.S. citizenship this year. It's kind of like when we all threw out our Blockbuster Video card. It was a good deal for a while, and then suddenly it was very clear they were going out of business.


According to a new report, psychics and fortune tellers in New York City have seen a large uptick in business amid the coronavirus. Though, if you're willingly letting someone read your palm right now, I, too, can tell you what your future looks like.


A 103-year-old woman in Michigan got a tattoo last week to check it off her bucket list. Well, I just hope she doesn't regret it when she gets older.


Organizers of the upcoming Democratic National Convention announced today that former President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama will headline two nights of next week's event. So, the DNC will remind us of happier days, while the RNC will just remind us about "Happy Days."


A stunt double in England recently set himself on fire to propose to his girlfriend. So, he's extremely romantic and, bonus, he already knows how it feels to be married.