The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (R)

Chinese President Xi Jinping traveled to Russia to meet with Vladimir Putin. Putin was just happy to get out of his bunker, while Xi was like, "Worst spring break ever." Yep, Putin and Xi were together for over four hours, waiting for the other one to sip their drink first.

Nearly half a billion dollars worth of cocaine was found floating off the coast of Italy. It's Italian cocaine, so you just sprinkle it over your pasta. Of course, everyone's talking about how it doesn't compare to the cocaine their grandma used to make.

Tesla just launched its own beer called GigaBier. Yeah. It's a Tesla beer. It's the only beer that explodes even if you don't shake it.

For the first time, Amazon's self-driving car transported passengers on public roads. The car drove perfectly, then they were thrown onto their front porch like a cheap set of luggage. Unfortunately, after the Amazon car dropped one guy off at his doorstep, someone ran up and stole him.

The State Department is changing their official font from Times New Roman to Calibri. It feels like this is the government's attempt to be like, "We're fun. We're naughty." Yep, our government is changing fonts. Yep. When you heard that, President Zelenskyy was like, "Still here. This is still happening. We'll take anything. We'll take tanks, missiles, slingshots, boomerangs."

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (R)

Recently, things have not been great for Florida governor and threatened cat Ron DeSantis. His poll numbers are sinking and donors are panicking, so he did the only thing a man can do: he bullied a cartoon mouse [Disney].

According to insiders, the former president [Trump] is facing a "soft ban" at Fox. What? What? They're banning the ex-president? That's like the Discovery Channel banning sharks. No one wants to watch "Salty Water" week.

Big dairy has been lobbying the FDA to prevent makers of non-dairy milks from calling it milk. Well, now the FDA has issued guidance that says plant-based beverages that bill themselves as milk can officially keep using the name. That is a huge win for non-dairy milks, especially all those almonds they keep artificially pregnant.

According to a new study, procrastination can make you depressed and poor. But, you know what? It’s late, you’re tired; be depressed and poor tomorrow.

Fox News settled their defamation suit with Dominion Voting Systems, averting a trial. ... I want my trial! You were supposed to provide me with six weeks of delicious content. I wanted to see Rupert Murdoch put his hand on the bible and burst into flames. According to Dominion, the settlement was for a gargantuan $797.5 million. That's a lot of dough-minion.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! (R)

When you think of all the people I regularly make fun of, it's a lot of people. The only two who have tried to stop me are Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene, who actually called the cops on me. ... I made fun of O.J. a thousand times; he hasn't tried to kill me once.

Democrats, Republicans and Independents all agree that [George] Santos should not be a congressman anymore. There's a new survey. It says 66% of New York voters want him to resign. The other 34 are him in a variety of wigs and moustaches.

According to the U.S. patent office, Ford, the automaker, considered building self-driving cars that can repossess themselves. About two years ago, they filed a patent that laid out a design for vehicles that could drive themselves back to the dealership if the customer doesn't pay his bill. Can you imagine, like, getting evicted from your condo, you go outside, and you see your F-150 is leaving you, too?

George Santos, despite being exposed as a fraud — this guy has an almost comical list of lies to his name now — was assigned to not one but two committees. New speaker Kevin McCarthy put him on the Science Committee and the Space and Technology Committee, which makes sense because he's the only congressman who found a cure for cancer and successfully manned a mission to Mars, all this year alone.

Late Night With Seth Meyers (R)

Republican Congressman Mike Gallagher warned that China wants to use artificial intelligence to perfect its "Orwellian surveillance state." Unfortunately, Republicans don't know what that means because they banned that book.

President Biden reassured Americans the country's financial system is safe. OK, I think the fact that you're talking about a bank collapse proves it isn't — that's like going to a funeral and giving a eulogy about how Nana's going to be fine.

Tinder recently released an Australian edition of its dating dictionary, which includes the phrase "kitten fishing." That means "changing aspects of yourself to appear more attractive to others." Or, as we call that here, dating.

Disney CEO Bob Iger criticized Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis for his decision to strip the company of its special self-governing status, and, to get him back, announced Minnie is just Mickey in drag.

President Biden called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban, which is sort of like calling on McDonald's to make you a Whopper. They could do it — they just won't.