Late Night With Seth Meyers (R)

The House voted to pass legislation protecting same-sex marriages, because everyone deserves the right to be secretly unhappy.

French President Emmanuel Macron reportedly toasted to President Biden's reelection campaign. Either that or Biden said he was running again and Macron just started drinking.

Ben & Jerry's announced they will release a new flavor curated by director Ava DuVernay. Meanwhile, the James Cameron-inspired flavor is currently 10 years behind and $200 million over budget.

Firefighters rescued a puppy that swam about a mile across the Hudson River from Manhattan to New Jersey. They tried to return it, but it had already found an affordable home with a backyard and started a family.

According to a survey, 35% of Americans believe that the person with the window seat on an airplane should have exclusive power over the window shade. OK, but whenever they open it, the person on the aisle should still get to yell, "Still just clouds?!"

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (R)

Pantone has revealed that their 2023 color of the year is 'Viva Magenta,' which they say "merges the richness, warmth and strength of natural matters with the rich, open horizons of the digital world." Also known as "red."

As part of his move to make Twitter "hardcore," Elon [Musk] has been asking Twitter workers to stay long hours at the office. He took it a step further and outfitted Twitter's headquarters with bedrooms for employees. I'm not surprised he puts beds in the office: he doesn't want his employees to be "woke."

In an effort to destigmatize the disease, the World Health Organization has renamed monkeypox "mpox." You can't just KFC this thing; it's not like we don't know the 'm' stands for. That's like when the Washington football team briefly changed their name to the Washington You-Know-Whats.

LG's stretchable, smooshable screen promises a future of shatter-proof gadgets. In response to the shatter-proof claim, the nation's toddlers said, "Hold my juice box."

Musician DJ Khaled offered fans a unique chance to book an Airbnb stay in his shoe closet. It's perfect for anyone who loves the smell of sweaty feet and being woken up by a man screaming his own name.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (R)

I read that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner cut ties with former president Trump because he's "losing value" and they don't need him anymore. Trump's not even upset. He's like, "The student has become the master."

New York passed a law that makes all gift cards purchased in the state valid for at least nine years. You know you got someone the perfect gift card when it takes them eight and a half years to use it.

I heard about a man in Florida who was arrested for allegedly stealing over $1,300 worth of toothbrushes from Walgreens. Yep, the man was convicted after four out of five jurors found him guilty.

According to new research, self-service checkouts at grocery stores are covered in harmful bacteria. But hey, at least they also never work.

I saw that Kanye West said he's running for president in 2024. To Kanye's credit, he's already united both sides in saying, "No thanks."

In an effort to cut costs, some airlines are pushing to have only one pilot on flights instead of two. Then Spirit Airlines was like, "Yeah, while we're at it, do we really need two wings?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live! (R)

According to some new research from health-care agencies here in California, cannabis-related emergency room visits have skyrocketed, especially among senior citizens, since it became legal for recreational use. One of the reasons that they cite is older people are used to pot from when they were young, and when they try the weed that they grow today it hits hard. It's like if the last movie you saw was starring Humphrey Bogart and then you walked into "Avatar 2." May also have something to do with the fact that weed gummies look a lot like fiber gummies now. Anyway, if you see Meemaw driving a rascal in circles call 911.

WNBA star Brittney Griner is finally at home. [She was] in prison in Russia for allegedly having a THC vape cartridge in her luggage. ... The White House secured Griner's release with a prisoner swap. They traded her for Viktor Bout, an international arms dealer known as the Merchant of Death. That doesn't seem like a fair [trade]. The Merchant of Death for sweet Lady Vape? No.

The White House unveiled President Biden's cybersecurity plan. And while you might think letting Joe Biden spearhead cybersecurity makes about as much sense as asking Grandpa to set up your Xbox, he's not kidding around — he's going all in.

We have a new existential threat, which is Canadian Super Pigs. Have you heard about this? What they now call the Super Pig was born in the '80s when pig farmers bred a domestic pig with a wild boar. ... These pigs can weigh close to 700 pounds. Of course, they've escaped from captivity and they're now wreaking havoc on everything in their path and they're headed towards the United States and the only way they can be stopped is by Guy Fieri with a tanker full of Donkey Sauce.