Late Laughs for the week of September 30 - October 6, 2018

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Florida police are searching for a person who accidentally donated a duffel bag to a thrift shop that contained almost five pounds of marijuana. "This smells like weed," said customers about every thrift store item ever.


After Nike announced that former NFL quarterback and activist Colin Kaepernick would be the face of its new ad campaign, angry consumers began posting photos of themselves burning their Nike shoes. Unfortunately, he's also been named the face of Yankee Candle and now they don't know what to do.


According to a new report, some upscale hotels are now offering cannabis-infused room service items to maximize relaxation for guests. Or you could just go to any Days Inn and huff the drapes.


Famed Watergate journalist Bob Woodward will release a new book next Tuesday detailing life within the Trump administration, titled "Fear: Trump in the White House." And I don't think Trump is going to like it, 'cause it's a book.


According to journalist Bob Woodward's new book, President Trump once told Rudy Giuliani that he was a baby. And then out of habit, he added, "But I'm not the father."


White House chief of staff John Kelly released a statement last night denying that he called President Trump an idiot, saying, quote, "The idea that I ever called the president an idiot is not true, in fact it's exactly the opposite." And it is the opposite. He called an idiot the president.


President Trump claimed that special counsel Robert Mueller is former FBI director James Comey's "best friend," adding, quote, "I could give you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other." Which is a lot more pictures than there are of Trump and Melania hugging and kissing.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I read that DJ Khaled just launched his own furniture line that includes gold couches, gold lion statues and even a throne. You can find it at Pier One in the "Drug Lord" section.


Finland just hosted a contest to crown the world air guitar champion. Afterward, the winner held up her air trophy and hugged her air husband and kids.


I heard that the Pumpkin Spice Latte is already on sale at Starbucks. Because when it's 95 degrees outside, nothing's more refreshing than some hot gourd juice.


Of course, fantasy football also began tonight. It's a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize they're also bad at imaginary sports.


Later this season, the NFL will hold a game in Mexico. It's all part of the league's plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible.


I saw that Starbucks recently opened its first store in Italy. And this is weird -- over there the sizes are small, medium and large.


Last night, Space-X founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it, 'cause now he's building a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle.


Elon Musk smoked on a podcast, but said, "I'm not a regular smoker of weed." People had a feeling he wasn't a "regular smoker of weed" when he used the phrase "regular smoker of weed."


Guys, Labor Day's over, so get out your fall clothes! And then just put them away because it's 100 degrees outside.


Former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. President Trump was so upset, he told his staff to throw away all his Nike workout gear. Then they said, "Sir, you don't have ANY workout gear."


Some people are upset with Nike over their new campaign with Colin Kaepernick, and are even destroying their Nike gear in protest. Then Kaepernick was like, "Oh, so you LIKE protests now?"


Bob Woodward's book is out about the president. It's already a bestseller on Amazon. Between Woodward and Omarosa's books, Trump has done something incredible: he's Made America Read Again.


We have Paul McCartney on the show tonight! In a recent interview, he said that he once saw God while he was doing psychedelic drugs. Paul was like, "Oh man -- that's God!" While God was like, "Holy crap -- that's Paul McCartney!"


It just came out that Omarosa communicated with other White House staffers using Facebook Messenger to hide her conversations. Though if you really want to hide a conversation on Facebook, just start it with, "OK, I usually don't get political on here, but ..."


Woodward's book is about working for Trump, and it's called, "Fear: Trump in the White House." That was actually his second choice for a title, 'cause "The Baby-Sitters Club" was already taken.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

It was announced today the most common vegetable that toddlers eat is french fries. Or, as my brain processed this story: a study has confirmed that french fries are a vegetable.


In other shocking food news, according to another study, chocolate chip cookie addiction shares many similarities with cocaine addiction. Truly, yes. Researchers say sugar can give you some of the same cravings that cocaine can give. And I say, it is actually worse for you. Like, believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip cookie up your nose.


Colin Kaepernick, the quarterback who started the NFL kneeling protests, has been named the face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. I've already seen it. Here's the thing: some people are so angry about this they're actually burning their Nike shoes. Yeah. Burning your own shoes as a response to something. If only there was a word for that kind of action -- oh yeah, "protesting."


Today was day No. 2 of Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court confirmation hearing and, like yesterday, it was disrupted by dozens of protesters. So far, Capitol Police have arrested more than 100 people. More than 100 people arrested in Washington, D.C., and for once, not one of them worked for Donald Trump.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

All these guys who voted for Trump -- now they can't watch the NFL. They can't ride Harleys. They have to burn their Nikes. They can't go to Starbucks or watch Netflix. They have to love Putin and hate the FBI. I mean, if this were a practical joke, it'd be one of the greatest jokes ever!