Late Laughs for the week of September 3 - 9, 2017

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female coworkers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: "Did Hillary frame Eric Bolling?"


According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term "climate change" in their research, and to use terms like "weather extremes" instead. And instead of earthquakes, they're now called, "li'l shakeroos."


President Trump this afternoon addressed the North Korean missile program and said if they continue to threaten the United States, "They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen." Yeah, that ought to cool things down. God forbid Trump's ever put in charge of a hostage situation. "Kill a hostage? You don't have the balls! Plus, if you do, I'll kill everyone outside the bank!"


A new CNN poll found that only 24 percent of people felt they could trust the Trump administration. That's right, when it comes to trust, Donald Trump ranks just below gas station sushi.


Google yesterday fired a software engineer after he distributed a memo arguing that the gender gap in the tech industry is partly because women are more anxious and avoid high-stress jobs. Of course, he's a software engineer. He probably thinks the "gender gap" is where babies come from.


A new study shows that the optimal time to dunk an Oreo is three seconds. That's funny, I thought the optimal time was "when you're going through a divorce."


A truck carrying 22 thousand pounds of ravioli and jalapenos caught on fire while on a highway in Indiana, and immediately became Guy Fieri's latest restaurant.


President Trump is on vacation. While he's gone, the White House is undergoing a $3.4-million renovation. Trump said he's hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting and the attorney general.


Vice-President Mike Pence denies he's planning to run for president in 2020. He said, "I'm pretty sure I'll be president way before then."


The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming "Happy Birthday" to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep.


Political experts say that many members of Congress are preparing for a Mike Pence presidency. They're preparing by binge-watching "The Handmaid's Tale."


A new study of chain restaurants came out and it found that the Cheesecake Factory serves the unhealthiest food. When asked for comment, the CEO said: "Folks, it's called The Cheesecake Factory."


There's a rumor that Cynthia Nixon from "Sex and the City" may run for governor of New York. Her strategy is to reach out to low-income "Mirandas" without alienating wealthy "Samanthas."


A new report claims that the Florida coastline is rising six times faster than the rest of the world. Floridians are calling this "alarming," and everyone else is calling it "not fast enough."


Wendy's is introducing a bacon burger that, get this, comes with bacon mayonnaise and bacon jam. A spokesperson for Wendy's said: "And if that doesn't work, we'll just stab our customers in the heart."


Today is Smokey Bear's 73rd birthday. You can tell Smokey's getting older because now his motto is, "Just Let It Burn, I'm Watching 'Judge Judy.'"


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn't a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, "For us it is."


The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, "Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod." As much as people complain about Trump going on vacation, at least he keeps his shirt on.


Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, "I think you mean re-elected president in 2020."


Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it's impossible because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes.


Tonight was the finale of "The Bachelorette." Millions of people tuned in to the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with.


Tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump's nervous because he's been wearing a "Make America Great Again" helmet.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is currently on a 17-day vacation at his golf course in Bedminster, N.J. ... Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin is also on vacation. Kind of suspicious that they're both gone at the same time. It's like when your husband and his secretary go on a work trip together.


According to the New York Times … Mike Pence is planning to run for president if Donald Trump doesn't run for a second term. Pence issued a statement strongly denying all of it. He said the article was "disgraceful and offensive to me, my family, and our entire team." He said the suggestion he's running for president in 2020 is "laughable and absurd." Right. Why would Mike Pence want to be president in 2020? He's going to be president much, much sooner than that!


Trump reposted a video of himself warning that North Korea would be met with fire and fury. He reposted the video of himself -- which is the presidential equivalent of "liking" your own Facebook post. It's unacceptable.


Not only is [Trump] trading threats with Kim Jong Un today, he's also attacking Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. He slammed him twice on Twitter today, and told him to get back to work. From vacation, he said this. Which makes it even more effective.