The Late Late Show With James Corden

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci -- you know, the Mooch -- posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going.

Conan

The city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as "Fox News" reported it, "Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes."

In Washington, D.C., vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second-worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln.

Some white supremacists are now upset because they're taking DNA tests and discovering they're part black. And you know who's even more upset? Their black ancestors.

The American Cancer Society has decided not to host its charity event at Trump's resort, Mar-a-Lago. You know it's not a good sign for Trump when he's considered too toxic for cancer.

Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called "What Happened." Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book, called "Baby, I Can Explain."

There's a new online quiz that tells you if you would be allowed to enter the U.S. under President Trump's immigration policies. It consists of a single question: "Are you a swimsuit model?"

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, "You know, Siberia's not so bad."

In Virginia, someone broke into a man's apartment, cleaned it and took nothing. Police are describing the suspect as "his mother." She's armed and neurotic.

Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don't worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The dating site OkCupid is banning white supremacists. So, white supremacists will have to look for love where they usually do -- family reunions.

Twenty-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been accepted to Oxford University. When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth soccer trophies.

You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, "You gotta be WAY more specific."

I read that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyber attack on North Korea. It's pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea's computers.

The news organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix.

A spokesperson for North Korea called President Trump a senile man who can't think rationally. But it turns out they just stole that from Trump's Twitter bio.

I read that you can now go on Airbnb and rent Trump's childhood home, where he lived until he was four. So at least there's one house where he lasted four years.

Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman's wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, "Always a bridesmaid!"

An O.J. Simpson Museum is opening in L.A. That's right, a museum filled with his memorabilia. Or, as O.J. put it, "This feels like a trap ..."

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face.

The Today Show featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!"

Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military.

Krispy Kreme is coming out with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup doughnut. So, if you're someone who wants to eat a doughnut and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup at the same time, something tells me you already have.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New England Patriots have become the first NFL team to buy their own planes to fly to games. While the Cleveland Browns have been downgraded to the overhead bin on Spirit Airlines.

A California man is suing the makers of Heineken, claiming he found a gecko in his can of beer. But on the bright side, he did save 15 percent on car insurance.

A Japanese company has created a new, high-end fidget spinner that they say can spin for more than 12 minutes, beating the previous record for spinning held by Kellyanne Conway.