The Late Late Show With James Corden (repeat)

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that.

 

First lady Melania Trump attended a reception today, marking her first public appearance in three weeks. This ended much speculation about her whereabouts. Turns out, Melania was in the White House with her husband, Donald Trump, the whole time. So, it's worse than we all thought.

 

A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger's body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it's bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon (repeat)

I heard about a six-year-old in Utah who used her mom's Amazon account to order $350 worth of toys and video games. As punishment, the girl was sent to her room -- where she had an awesome time!

 

On "Fox & Friends" this morning, Brian Kilmeade said that Omarosa had "outsmarted" Trump. Though, to be fair, Trump's also been outsmarted by the child safety locks in his limo.

 

In the past few weeks, Trump has insulted several notable African Americans like Omarosa, LeBron James and Don Lemon. But today, Trump said he'll stop -- because those are all the African Americans he knows.

 

I read that all the White House staffers are wondering when the next Omarosa tape will come out, and what will be on it. When experts said the tapes could cost them their jobs, the staffers were like, "Sweet! Release the tapes!"

 

In response to President Trump's trade policies, Coca-Cola is raising the price of soda. Marking the first time in his presidency Trump's watched the news and thought, "My God -- what have I done?!"

 

I heard that a cold front is headed toward New York this weekend. While down in Washington, they're still assessing the damage from Hurricane Omarosa.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (repeat)

Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 per cent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It's true, we're all controlled by the people who give us our gas, which is why I'm forever beholden to the Chevron on Route 3.

 

Another reason Pompeo didn't have a good meeting with Kim Jong Un: he didn't meet with Kim Jong Un. But Kim had a very good excuse. Turns out he was too busy visiting a potato farm to meet with the U.S. secretary of state. But to be fair, a lot of people have trouble telling the difference between Mike Pompeo and a potato. You say potato, I say Pompeo.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a new poll, a majority of Republicans believe the news media is "the enemy of the people." Which is absurd. We all know the enemy of the people is gluten.

 

The president has reportedly been advised to stop tweeting about this meeting with the Russians. Not since Robert Durst in "The Jinx" has a defendant done such a good job of convicting himself publicly.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers (repeat)

A beach near San Francisco yesterday hosted the annual world dog surfing championships. And just like last year, the surfers had a really hard time staying on their dogs.

 

Construction workers recently found a 124-year-old time capsule underneath a school in Massachusetts that contains two newspapers, silver war medals and the first season of "Grey's Anatomy."

 

Auntie Anne's has announced it will begin selling pumpkin spice pretzel nuggets next month. So if you like pumpkin spice and you like eating at the mall … you could probably use some good news.

 

New research has found that settlers of North America took more than one route to get to the continent. Unfortunately, the ones who used Apple Maps didn't make it.

 

The NFL's Arizona Cardinals have launched a new competition where fans can win a team jersey and get their photo on the scoreboard if they eat a burger consisting of five patties, five hotdogs, five bratwursts, eight slices of bacon, eight chicken tenders, 12 ounces of fries, lettuce, pickles, sauce and 20 slices of cheese in under an hour. Said one fan: "Ugh, lettuce?"

 

It was announced today that first lady Melania Trump's parents are now officially U.S. citizens. They passed their citizenship test when they were asked, "Who's the president of the United States?" and they replied, "Our idiot son-in-law."

 

According to sources within the White House, many Defense Department officials do not support President Trump's push to create a military space force. Kind of like how you don't let your kid pick what car you buy.

 

Following the launch of his own charter school, nearly 14,000 people have signed an online petition to make LeBron James the secretary of education, even though we already have one. "Who is it now?" asked Betsy DeVos.

 

Arguments in former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort's fraud trial wrapped up today, and the defense rested their case and Manafort did not take the stand. However, he did take a watch, three wallets and the judge's gavel.

 

According to Omarosa's new book, Eric Trump's wife, Lara Trump, insisted that women on the Trump campaign wear dresses and heels. Said President Trump: "Hold up -- Eric's married?!"

 

Producers have signed a deal to make old episodes of "Jeopardy" available to binge watch on Hulu. "What is Europe!" asked Trump in a cabinet meeting.

 

Former White House aide Omarosa Manigault released a fourth secret recording today. Apparently, she hid the microphone someplace Trump would never find it: in a salad.

 

President Trump had lunch with Vice-President Mike Pence today. He didn't mean to, he just asked the waiter for a side of mayo and they brought Pence over.

 

The Washington Post published an op-ed today titled "Possibly Trump's stupidest tweet ever." Though they'll probably publish it again tomorrow, too.