The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Costco has to pay Tiffany's $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don't know what's worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN'T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco.

 

I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift, hurry!

 

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least, that's what he told his wife when she walked in on them.

 

I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That's right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that's called in New York, "riding the subway."

 

The Connecticut Lottery's mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost, when instead they should have been told, "You have a lottery app on your phone -- get help."

 

I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, "I'm gonna take my business elsewhere."

 

Conan 

In his speech on Afghanistan last night, President Trump said, "Attack we will." Then Trump introduced his new military strategist: Gen. Mad Dog Yoda.

 

Before announcing his decision on Afghanistan, President Trump was said to have made a "rigorous" review of the issue. Yes, Trump said, "I must have read at least four tweets about it!"

 

There were a lot of protestors at a rally today in Phoenix attended by President Trump and Vice-President Pence. Things got awkward when it turned out that the "Impeach Trump" chants were being led by Mike Pence.

 

Mark Wahlberg has been named 2017's highest paid male actor. Today, Mark said, "I don't know why either."

 

There's a new beer coming out that contains marijuana. Unfortunately, the inventor cannot for the life of him remember how he made it.

 

India has outlawed its long, long practice of "instant divorce." However, India will still continue to offer its popular "cool ranch divorce."

 

Arby's is celebrating the "Game of Thrones" season finale by offering its customers a giant turkey leg. It's all part of their "Game of Thrones" tie-in: "Diarrhea Is Coming."

 

Hillary Clinton has come out with a new book. It's making a lot of news because they revealed some details today. In her new book, Hillary Clinton calls Donald Trump a "creep" who "made her skin crawl." When he heard, Trump smiled and said, "I still got it."

 

Last night, President Trump spoke at a rally in Arizona and really fired up his supporters. He opened his speech by saying, "Our movement is a movement built on love." In other words, he started with his best joke.

 

At yesterday's Trump rally, the crowd was chanting "CNN sucks!" And man you do not want to hear what they had to say about the Science Channel.

 

Last night, President Trump said of his critics, "I went to better schools than they did. I was a better student than they were. I live in a bigger, more beautiful apartment. And I live in the White House, too." Then someone handed Trump a fidget spinner and he quieted right down.

 

It is being reported that President Trump is no longer speaking to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Upon hearing this, Melania went to McConnell and said, "Teach me, Master."

 

In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena. You know, I don't say this often, but I'm going to side with the Saudi government on this one.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Trump's buddy Vladimir Putin is taking a break. He's in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Trump thinks these 100-year-old Confederate monuments are beautiful. Which is weird. Usually, Trump doesn't call anything beautiful if it's over 30 years old.

 

"There's literally no difference between Robert E. Lee and George Washington" -- that's a quote from Donald Trump. Literally, no difference, except there's literally a difference, like literally their names are different. You literally don't know what literally means.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A recent study found that 76 percent of U.S. adults have removed some or all of their pubic hair. The same study also found that zero percent of them go to my gym.

 

Axios published a list of groups that President Trump has alienated during his first seven months of office. And now the world is out of paper.

 

In an interview, Kim Kardashian revealed that she did karaoke with former President Obama. Said Obama, "That was just the national anthem ... "

 

A song which consists of nearly 10 minutes of silence has made it to the top 50 purchases on the iTunes charts. Said Mike Pence, "This rocks!"

 

Today was National Thrift Shop Day. And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off.