Late Laughs for the week of September 16 - 22, 2016

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (repeat)

The story of the week has been Trump's pro-baby-snatching agenda, and today it took another weird turn -- because to try to humanize these child detention centers, the administration sent their most high-profile detainee, Melania Trump.


This is what first ladies often do: go to a troubled area, see the children, show that we care. You can't mess that up. Guess what? I spoke too soon. Today, on her way to show that she cares, Melania wore a jacket that says, "I Really Don't Care, Do U?" That's what they settled on? What was her first choice, a jacket that says, "Womp, Womp"?


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon (repeat)

Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.


I heard about a man here in New York who dresses up like a sorcerer, goes up to people on the subway and grants them wishes. And this is interesting, it turns out people's No. 1 wish is for him to leave them alone.


I heard about a restaurant in New York that's now serving hummus smoothies. They're actually zero calories because you suck so hard on the straw you pass out.


A new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin, is the drunkest city in the U.S. You can tell, because no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey.


I saw that Sean Spicer has written a new book about his time in the White House, called "The Briefing." And if you want to see him, he'll be at Barnes & Noble tomorrow from 10 a.m. until his shift ends.


As part of the Russia investigation, Robert Mueller is now reviewing President Trump's tweets to see if he obstructed justice. So the next time you complain about your job, think of the guy who has to read 40,000 Trump tweets.


Speaking of the president. Trump traveled to Iowa today. He's under so much pressure about Russia and the Michael Cohen tapes that he said, "I gotta get outta the country -- take me to Iowa!"


I read that on a recent Air Force One flight, Trump got mad that Melania's TV was tuned to CNN instead of Fox News. People were like, "That's crazy! Donald and Melania flew on the same plane?!"


Last night, a heckler showed up at Sean Spicer's book signing. Then Spicer was like, "Sweet! Someone showed up to my book signing!"


A heckler showed up to Spicer's signing at Barnes & Noble and called him a "piece of garbage." Then security was like, "OK, that's enough, Mr. President."


I heard that you can now buy a Lego version of the Hogwarts Castle that's made up of 6,000 pieces. There's even a name for anyone who finishes it: "He Who Must Not Be Dating Anyone."


The Late Late Show With James Corden (repeat)

Canada has just announced that they will become the second country in the world to legalize marijuana. So, while it's been wonderful to be back here in London, I can officially announce next year we will be taking the show to Toronto.


Here in the United Kingdom, officials are looking at the possibility of legalizing medical marijuana. When asked about it this week, Prime Minister Theresa May said that she had never smoked cannabis in her life. I believe her! You know why? Because she calls it cannabis.


As the World Cup continues, a report just came out that football fans in Russia have been drinking so much that bars and restaurants are completely running out of beer. See, this is what happens when England wins one game.


According to a new report, young Republican staffers in Washington, D.C., are having trouble meeting people on dating apps because they're being harassed for their political views. According to some Republican staffers, they are getting harassed so much on dating apps, they're now starting to feel like every woman on every dating app.


Following years of complaints, the city of San Francisco has banned tour buses from stopping in front of the home from the TV show "Full House." They won't allow it. This is bad news for tourists. It is. Now you'll have to find something more riveting to do on vacation than sitting in a van very slowly passing by a house.


Late Night With Seth Meyers (repeat)

Anheuser-Busch has announced it will begin selling an new organic beer called "Michelob Ultra Pure Gold." As in, "Sorry, all we have left is Michelob Ultra Pure Gold."


The California home used for exterior shots on "The Brady Bunch" is up for sale, and you know the three most important words in real estate: "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."


A California town recently opened a drive-thru marijuana dispensary, or as they're more commonly known, a Taco Bell.


Former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page yesterday called accusations that he was a Russian agent a ridiculous smear campaign. Coincidentally, a "ridiculous smear" is what Trump asks his makeup artists for.


Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer's book will be released tomorrow. You know, Sean, if you had a bunch of things to tell us, you could have done that when it was your job.


Vice-President Mike Pence today hosted a fundraiser for a Republican representative in Philadelphia, but he left as soon as he found out it's the city of brotherly love.


President Trump traveled to Tampa, Florida, today and visited a technical high school. Said Trump, "I also went to high school, technically."


Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines apologized for, quote, "All of it."


Fifty years ago today, Charles Schulz, the creator of the comic strip "Peanuts," introduced the comic's first black character, named Franklin. Which Marcie immediately reported to the police.


Dunkin' Donuts is now selling its first ever gluten-free product. It's called a "cup."


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A report has found that 86 per cent of people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or Latino. Well duh! We're the only ones they search. That's like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take tests for STDs.