Late Laughs for the week of September 15 - 21, 2019

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A chef was going through customs at the airport in Los Angeles when he got caught with a bag full of piranhas. But they let him go when he was like, "Those are my emotional support piranhas."


A computer glitch grounded flights across the country for several major airlines, including American, Delta, United and Southwest. Most airlines apologized, while Southwest said, "We're considered a 'major airline?' Awesome!"


Scientists have built a six-foot, 10-inch robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a six-foot, 11-inch robot that can say, "Not in my house!"


A school in Japan is teaching people how to become professional mascots. When the Elmo in Times Square heard, he was like, "For $15, I'll give you a degree and my costume right now."


Two dentists in Virginia were caught giving free dental work to people who agreed to be their drug mules. Police got suspicious when they saw several meth heads who still had teeth.


Budweiser is making beer with marijuana. There's actually a name for beer that's infused with weed: Nyquil.


I read that workout clothes made out of velvet are becoming very popular. Velvet workout clothes, or as it's known in New Jersey, "formal wear."



A panel is celebrating the 90th anniversary of Popeye! Popeye should appeal to millennials since he's covered in tattoos and has a plant-based diet.


In Florida, the streets are being flooded with ecstasy pills that are shaped like Donald Trump. Sources say it's the first time Donald Trump has ever caused a woman to feel ecstasy.


President Trump is seriously considering having the United States buy Greenland -- Greenland is a territory of Denmark, and the Danish prime minister said Greenland is not for sale, but if there's anything I've learned from watching hundreds of hours of "Property Brothers," it's that saying "It's not for sale" is the classic opening gambit.


President Trump's former press secretary Sean Spicer has been cast in "Dancing with the Stars" -- or, as the show is now called, "Dancing."


A Mexican court ruled that people can use cocaine legally. Now Mexico is worried about us coming over there.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump officially kick(ed) off his re-election campaign with a rally in Orlando. It makes sense he'd do it in the home of Disney, because his ideas are goofy and his base is snow white! And with his climate policies, we're all gonna end up "under da sea"!


The Late Late Show with James Corden

A university in South Africa has created an alternative, more eco-friendly form of ice cream that is made out of -- brace yourselves -- maggots. Now, that sounds disgusting, but only because it's disgusting.


Three out of 10 Americans are in a nearly yearlong sexual dry spell. A lot of people, when they're stuck in a dry spell, often turn to Tinder. And then they take one look at Tinder and go, "Ya know what? I'm good in this dry spell. This is fine."


More than 50% of Americans have used swimming pools as an alternative to showering. I'm not American — don't look at me! This is on you guys. I'm not one of you! Swimming pools aren't for getting clean. A swimming pool has only two purposes: swimming and peeing.


Nearly one-third of millennials say they don't have enough money to go on dates. It's a great excuse I wish I had in my teens.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

"Chernobyl" racked up 19 (Emmy) nominations, including Best Limited Series. As you know if you've seen it, "Chernobyl" tells the true story of how a nuclear disaster caused a whole village of Russians to have British accents for many years to come.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in New York have introduced legislation that would prohibit companies from charging different prices for similar men's and women's products like shampoo, conditioner and body wash. Said men, "Wait, that's not all one thing?"


A California man has posted a video that appears to show a driver asleep in his Tesla while driving on the freeway. Wow. I wonder how he fell asleep? Did he talk about owning a Tesla?


A 69-year-old woman was arrested recently for bringing CBD oil to Disney World. Even worse, other people brought children.


According to a new poll, one in five Russians say they would like to leave their country if given the opportunity. Said Putin, "Fine. We'll give you a two-minute head start."