Late Laughs for the week of September 13 - 19, 2020

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It was the first night of the virtual Democratic National Convention ... because nothing fires up Americans quite like long speeches over Zoom.


Each night of the convention has a theme. For example, tonight's theme is "We the people," tomorrow is "Leadership matters" and the next day is "Please don't switch to Netflix."


Trump settled on fireworks at the Washington Monument after they told him it was impossible to have lasers shoot out of the eyes on Mount Rushmore.


A glitch at a chocolate factory in Switzerland caused an entire town to be dusted in cacao. America is in the throes of a pandemic, racial upheaval and a recession. Meanwhile, Europe is like, "Oh no, the town is covered in chocolate!"


I actually feel bad for Biden. The guy's been in public office for 50 years, he finally wins the Democratic nomination, and then he has to celebrate in the back of an abandoned library.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

For four years, we've looked on in horror as Donald Trump tore down every norm in American life, from the Constitution to English syntax to the definition of "food pyramid."


It's a little bit like we're in the middle of a road trip and we've finally realized dad's lost and we have to take the wheel ... and also send dad to jail for stealing the car.


Tonight [the theme] was "Leadership matters," which, of course, has forced the GOP to rename the second night of their convention "All qualities matter!"


Fun fact: women have been able to vote for 100 years. Joe Biden has been in office for half of that!


A Chilean is in hot water after naming her brand of honey "Miel Gibson" after actor Mel Gibson. This is the worst Gibson food product since "What Women Wontons."


As a middle-aged white person, I don't really understand hip hop unless it's about Alexander Hamilton.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I haven't been doing much during quarantine, just, you know, being a teacher and a camp counselor and a lifeguard … just a mom during COVID times.


It's really weird. I'm used to performing in front of big, loving audiences in rooms filled with applause and laughter. And, now, here I am doing a show alone in an empty house, and the slight wrinkling of a masked cameraman's eyes is the only way I can tell if any of this is funny.


I so painfully miss live theater, you know? There's nothing like it. There is no substitute for the feeling of pouring your heart out to the point of exhaustion while an 80-year-old woman opens a Werther's Original for 12 minutes.


I turned 50 this weekend. We did one of those drive-by parties. Now, where I grew up in Compton, you didn't want to be associated with a drive-by, but this was fun. It was like my own personal version of "The Masked Singer."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former first lady Michelle Obama spoke tonight at the Democratic National Convention. You put her on the first night? That's like starting Coachella with Beyoncé. You want everyone to stick around for the rest, right?


A woman in Alaska gave birth mid-flight last week while flying to the hospital and named her son Sky. "No fair! That's way cooler than my story!" said his older brother, Arby.


A man in Chicago was arrested last week after he allegedly tried to break into an ATM while live-streaming the crime on his phone. Even dumber, he kept calling it an ATM machine.


The Senate Intelligence Committee yesterday released its final report on the Russian interference in the 2016 election. Oh, great, just in time. The Senate Intelligence Committee is like the husband who walks into the kitchen when dinner's almost ready and asks, "So, uh, what can I do to help?"


Two 18-year-olds from Arizona were arrested earlier this week for allegedly trying to cross the border with almost $2 million worth of drugs. Officials first became suspicious when they saw two people outside in August.