Conan 

Today, President Trump made a speech denouncing neo-Nazis and the KKK, but people were upset because he waited 48 hours to do it. When asked what took so long, Trump said, "I watch Fox News, so I didn't know anything happened."

 

This weekend, President Trump told the country, "We have to love each other." Then he said, "You know, until a younger, hotter country comes along."

 

While on a tour of Latin America, Mike Pence described Venezuela as "sliding into dictatorship." Pence said, "and I'm here to learn."

 

Kid Rock is considering running for Senate in Michigan, but he may not be allowed to use his stage name "Kid Rock." Kid Rock might be forced to use his Christian name, "Deez Nuts."

 

The hackers who hacked into HBO leaked some storylines for the upcoming season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I hate to ruin it for you, but apparently this season Larry is going to do something antisocial that will end up backfiring on him.

 

A 16-year-old Wichita high school student is running for governor of Kansas. The teenager's two campaign promises are to address health care and get to second base with Ashley in trigonometry.

 

In an impromptu press conference just a few hours ago, President Trump said, "The hate and the division must stop." For a minute, the crowd got excited, because they thought Trump was resigning.

 

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as history buffs. Then he referred to serial killers as "population control experts."

 

President Trump said that Steve Bannon was a good friend and not a racist. Then he said, "Oops, I meant to say, 'a good racist, and not a friend.'"

 

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is, everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason.

 

As you probably all heard, North Korea has backed off of its threat to launch a nuclear missile at Guam. So now the title of "Crazy Tyrant Most Likely to Destroy America" returns to defending champion Donald Trump!

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers.

 

Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, "You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?"

 

There's some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as tropical storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, "Oh, come on, my life's bad enough as it is!"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

All [Trump] had to do was condemn the Nazis, which shouldn't have been difficult! It's not exactly a controversial stance, not like we asked him to come out against puppies.

 

The reaction to this was enormous and echoed around the world. Angela Merkel, the German chancellor, called the rally evil and disgusting. So you understand what that means? That means Germany is taking a stronger stance against Nazis than we are, and they invented them!

 

["Bachelor in Paradise"], the show that finally answers the question: What's it like to get herpes in Mexico? After the weekend we had, it is kinda nice to watch two hours of dumb people getting drunk on the beach.

 

I don't know who decided it would be a good idea to send [Trump] out there to talk to reporters today, but whoever did obviously misread his state of mind and the mood in this country right now. … The only thing I can compare it to is -- remember when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear off, and then he bit his other ear off? This was the Presidential equivalent of that.

 

This is so crazy. Everyone has been wondering if Trump is gonna last four years. I'm now wondering if any of us are gonna last four years! I haven't screamed at my TV this much since McDreamy died.

 

Mike Pence is ready. He's boring. He's relatively sane. He looks like a friendly neighbor you would borrow a lawn mower from. Let's get him in there before it's too late.

 

Here we are, enjoying the calm after a storm named hurricane Donald that ravaged much of the country. The effects are still being felt and talked about. I don't know about your world, but I feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and "Game of Thrones." That's it. And "Game of Thrones" only has two episodes left, so we're kinda screwed after that goes.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three manhattans and a Bud Light.

 

In a new interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said that he recently realized his signature sunglasses were made for women. Not only that, but his suit is actually a child's Halloween costume.

 

Airbnb is reportedly permanently banning white supremacists from making reservations on the site -- because they keep cutting eye holes in their hosts' sheets.

 

An Alabama woman missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Said officials, "Ma'am, you were out there for 45 minutes."

 

Taco Bell has announced that it will soon launch the Naked Egg Taco, a breakfast taco that uses a fried egg as its shell. Coincidentally, "naked egg" is also your body type if you eat breakfast at Taco Bell.

 

While President Trump fielded questions yesterday about Charlottesville, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen staring at the ground with his arms crossed. And, after hearing the press conference, so was the Statue of Liberty.

 

When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, "We'll see what happens." This is how much Trump cares about ratings -- he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger.

 

The studio behind the Hunger Games movies announced that it will be opening a theme park in South Korea dedicated to the films. They're calling it "North Korea."