Late Laughs for the week of September 1 - 7, 2019

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The Late Late Show with James Corden

A French inventor became the first man to successfully cross the English Channel on a jet-powered hoverboard. That's one way to avoid the middle seat on a plane!


A basketball player was recently suspended after failing a random drug test. He tried to use someone else's urine, and they knew it wasn't his because the test came back saying that he was pregnant. This is definitely the most dramatic gender reveal party ever!


A semi-truck tipped over on a highway and spilled 40,000 pounds of wine bottles out onto the road. To sop up all the wine, authorities immediately dispatched several local book clubs.


A 70-year-old man in England has been awarded $24,000 after he went to the hospital for a routine bladder operation but was mistakenly circumcised. This is what you call a real slice-of-life story. I didn't know that when you leave a hospital, you're supposed to leave a tip.


A dairy farmer in Singapore recently proposed to his girlfriend. He put the ring on a cow's udder! Apparently she said yes, and congratulations to the happy couple! The cow will not be attending the ceremony, although it will be at the reception dinner.


Trump released a video montage of his trip set to really dramatic music. Trump edited the footage of his trip like it was an "Avengers: Endgame" trailer!

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the season premiere of "Bachelor in Paradise." It's for everyone who watched "The Bachelorette" and thought, "This is a little too classy for me." It's a show that's got way too much alcohol, and not enough chlorine.


On a recent flight, (Spirit Airlines) had a live bat flying around the cabin. The passengers were upset, especially when they realized it got in through an open window.


Yesterday, Instagram actually went down for a few hours. Instagram went down on a Sunday?! Everyone eating brunch just looked at each other and said, "What's the point?!"


The economy is having a pretty wild week -- stocks have been up and down, Apple lost almost $50 billion. Then every customer with a missing AirPod was like, "Sucks losing something doesn't it?"


I read that the first Iowa State Fair was held in 1854. Even crazier: it also featured a speech from Bernie Sanders.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Everyone wants sensible gun legislation -- maybe it's time for senseless gun legislation? Maybe turn in your assault weapon and we'll give you a giant pork sausage! Give in your gun, you get a giant pork sausage: it's even more phallic than your gun, and it's only going to hurt you.


The first two rounds of debates had 20 people on stage, but for the next debate, the current number is around eight people qualified so far. That's because in order to qualify, Democrats have to poll at two percent and have 130,000 unique donors, as opposed to the first debate, where you could qualify by guessing the answer to a question from a bridge troll.


Andrew Yang unveiled a Spotify playlist of his favorite jams, including "Don't You (Forget About Me)." Oh sorry, that's his campaign slogan.


According to a new study, men don't recycle to avoid looking gay. Really, men? Is there no limit to straight male fragility? This isn't just toxic masculinity, this is literally toxic.



Jimmy Kimmel Live

In the two and a half years he has been in office, do you know how many days Trump has spent at one of his golf clubs? One hundred and 99 days, out of 928. That's more than one out of every five days, and you know how much those golf trips cost us, the taxpayers? $110 million. They estimate $40 million on the airplane, $20 million on security and $50 million on those red lights that keep the cheeseburgers tan.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte returned to competitive swimming over the weekend after a 14-month suspension. He didn't know he was suspended, he just thought that's how long you're supposed to wait after eating.


Today was Corporate Baby Name Day. Like my son Nike, who was born because my wife and I "Just Did It."


Producers have announced that the next season of the FX series "American Crime Story" will chronicle the sex scandal between former president Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. While the sex scandal between Trump and Stormy Daniels will be the next season of "American Horror Story."


Officials in Barcelona passed a law this week allowing women to swim topless in city pools. Said women in Barcelona, "We asked for equal pay?"