The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I heard there's a new documentary about dating apps called "Swiped." People thought the preview looked good, but when they showed up, it looked like a completely different movie.

 

I saw that Jeopardy host Alex Trebek grew a beard. When his wife saw it, she said, "What is … that on your face?"

 

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: even when they don't lose, they don't win.

 

I heard about a college student in Canada who emailed everyone at his school named Nicole, Nicky, Nicolette and Nik trying to find the woman he met at a bar. Meanwhile, the actual woman was like, "Phew! Thank God I gave him a fake name!"

 

Fashion Week wrapped up today here in New York City. It's pretty cool, actually: everything on the runway will be in stores by 2019 and on the floor at TJ Maxx by 2030.

 

Bob Woodward's book, "Fear: Trump In The White House," hit stores today. It's expected to be a No. 1 bestseller -- until another tell-all book about Trump comes out tomorrow.

 

I saw that Disney World has a special fall menu that includes a Pumpkin White Russian. Yup, a Pumpkin and a White Russian. Or, as that's also known: collusion.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Playboy just announced that, starting in 2019, they'll publish only four issues a year. By 2020, they're just going to send you a shovel and say, "Go dig up the issues your uncle buried in the woods."

 

The Russia investigation is still marching on, and today there's big news about Trump's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort. Rumors are Manafort is in talks with the special counsel's office about a possible plea deal. Yes, the man Trump called brave for not turning state's evidence is now flipping like a gymnast making pancakes on a trampoline.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Recently, passengers on a United Airlines flight from Scotland to New Jersey got a bit of a shock when the pilot came out of the cockpit, changed out of his uniform, and fell asleep in a first-class seat. The only way this could have been more concerning for the passengers is if the pilot also had an emotional support dog.

 

A couple in Florida was just arrested for selling drugs out of their mobile home after police noticed that they had constructed -- and we're not making this up -- a drive-thru window. The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend.

 

According to a recent report, NASA is looking into selling naming rights to their spacecraft. Not only will it affect the rockets, imagine the countdown. "18, 17, 16, 15 minutes could save you 15 per cent or more on your car insurance, 14."

 

The only people the president feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years.

 

Former president Barack Obama is back on the campaign trail trying to rally Democrats for the midterm election, and on Saturday, while at a stop in Anaheim, Obama reminisced about the time he was kicked out of Disneyland for smoking a cigarette. God, don't you miss when the president's biggest scandal was like, "I was asked to leave Disneyland once."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This has been a rough week for John Kelly. At this point, R Kelly has a better chance of being White House chief of staff by the end of the year.

 

The Steelers and Browns game ended with a 21-21 tie. The Browns turned their franchise around the only way they knew how: by becoming a soccer team.

 

What's really sad is that, by starting out with a tie, the Browns are off to their best start since 2004.

 

If you ever lose sight of how crazy things are right now, just remember that President Trump and Kim Jong Un are getting along better than Nicki Minaj and Cardi B.

 

At this point, there are more books about Trump than there are about hobbits.

 

Apple today announced three new phones -- which have larger and ultra high-resolution screens -- that Apple promises will be the most expensive screens you ever have to replace when you drop your phone on the sidewalk four days after you get it.

 

Apple also announced new versions of the Apple Watch. Which is kind of funny, because when I see people wearing an Apple Watch, I'm always like, "Oh -- you're wearing an Apple Watch." The same way I would approach a guy who has a parrot on his shoulder.

 

If you spent the day watching the Dolphins-Titans game, you spent the whole day watching the Dolphins-Titans game. It went on for seven hours and 10 minutes. It was basically tantric football.

 

Donald Trump's Twitter draft folder is more terrifying than any Stephen King novel.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man in New York yesterday bought a $10 million winning lottery ticket while at a convenience store to buy treats for his dog. Which came as a major disappointment to his dog. "You didn't get the treats?"

 

A man in Florida has been arrested for stealing over $5 million from his job at a local credit union to produce movies. He apparently got caught after the release of his new documentary, "How I Stole $5 Million From My Local Credit Union."

 

After former president Obama delivered a speech on Friday criticizing President Trump, Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, "I found he's very good, very good for sleeping." I know, right? When he was president, we all slept so soundly.

 

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders held her first press briefing today in almost three weeks. And you could tell she was a little rusty, because she almost answered a question.

 

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone.

 

Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room.