Late Laughs for the week of October 4 - 10, 2020

« Back to Talk


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This feels like "Captain America," you know, when Cap wakes up in the fake hospital they built to make him feel more at home? Except, on me they used some sort of opposite of the super serum to take away my muscles because I distinctly remember having a couple of muscles before I went into quarantine.


The last four years are like Trump is Dorian Grey and we’re the picture!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A report found that more and more people over 65 are smoking weed. So, for the first time, it’s a fun thing when seniors have stiff joints.


I’m not sure what’s more upsetting: the comments Trump reportedly made or what he’s going to do to change the subject.


The founder of Jelly Belly announced that he is going to give away a Florida candy factory as part of a nationwide treasure hunt. It’s great until you find out it’s the factory that makes all the butter-popcorn-flavored jelly beans.


Yeah, I remember Americans not panicking when they spent thousands for a roll of toilet paper on eBay.


There was an earthquake in New Jersey. It was crazy. There were tracksuits thrown everywhere. The entire state looked like every TJ Maxx.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

L.A. County hit its highest temperature ever recorded: 121 degrees. To put that in perspective, in a hot yoga class, the room is at 105. You literally could have gone to a hot yoga class to cool off!


So, let’s see. Trump didn’t like [Nelson] Mandela, he didn’t like Obama … there’s a pattern here and I can’t figure out what it is.


Former defense secretary Jim "Mad Dog" Mattis considered Trump so dangerous and unfit for office that he actually went to a cathedral to pray about his concern for the nation. How awful do you have to be to make a guy named Mad Dog go to church and pray?


On average, the show has been getting 300 YouTube comments per week about me kidnapping One Direction. I just want to say this: the more people ask me to kidnap the boys, the less likely I am to do it. You’re killing any element of surprise — and surprise is a major factor when kidnapping someone.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It’s about a hundred degrees right now. But, you know, with the breeze it only feels like Hell.


Everyone’s trying to apparently prove it was the hottest where they live. Look guys, it’s not a competition. Global warming will eventually kill us all together.


Labour Day barbecues aren’t even fun under normal circumstances. They’re like Fourth of July with half the food, half the booze and none of the fireworks. All you get is a sunburn and an hour-long lecture from your Uncle Todd about refinancing your mortgage before it’s too late.


The NFL is doing things differently this year. For safety, players are going to be quarantined for 14 days every time they come in close contact with another player. Some teams are made for this, like the Detroit Lions. Their defense hasn't come within six feet of another player since 1998.


Streams of country music are up over 11% since the quarantine started, which I guess makes sense. Almost every country song is about loneliness or drunkenness and right now everybody is both of those things all the time.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

A man in England is planning to buy a home using the proceeds from the sale of 28 bottles of scotch his father gifted to him each year for his birthday. It's the first known case of someone getting rid of alcohol during the pandemic.


National security experts speculate that Osama bin Laden may have communicated with terrorist associations through secret messages digitally encoded into pornographic videos. But if you want to hide something in a porn video where nobody will ever find it, just put it anywhere past the five-minute mark.


A karaoke bar in Brooklyn was shut down over the weekend after authorities discovered it had ignored coronavirus safety guidelines and allowed almost 300 people to drink inside. Boy, you hate to hear that! People singing karaoke, I mean.