Late Laughs for the week of October 30 - November 5

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Al Pacino is reportedly closing a deal with a publisher to write a book. It will be the first autobiography written in all caps.


President Biden today [Oct. 6] traveled to New York [City]. Said New Yorkers: "Oh my God, move!"


FIMA announced yesterday [Oct. 5] that phone operators from the IRS have been brought in to help the agency handle the volume of calls after Hurricane Ian. So now, getting help will be just as easy as doing your taxes!


Tomorrow [Oct. 7] is Russian President Vladimir Putin's 70th birthday, where he will blow out the candles and then push the cake off the balcony.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

America's been buzzing about the report that [Herschel] Walker paid for a former girlfriend to get an abortion. Walker denied it ... adding he had no idea who this woman could possibly be. So last night she gave him a little hint when she announced that she also had a child with him. C'mon man! How many secret kids does this guy have?! Does he know he doesn't get a free smoothie after 10?


Lying about knowing the mother of his child isn't Walker's only headline today [Oct. 6]. There's also this one: "Herschel Walker claimed he supervised six hospitals. He didn't." OK, I'm kind of relieved that that's a lie!


In a speech this week, [Doug] Mastriano pledged to ban pole dancing from schools. Are we sure he knows what a school is? "Three times a week I head down to the school and talk to the students — Cheyenne, Cinnamon, Amber ..."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [Oct. 6] President Biden pardoned all people convicted of possessing marijuana under federal law, signaling a major step towards legalization. I'm pretty sure Biden's approval rating is about to get high for the first time.


The Air Force just announced a plan to reduce their carbon footprint and adapt to climate change. It's a major move. In fact, the Air Force just unveiled their new F-24 Prius.


In the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, President Biden traveled to Florida and met with Gov. Ron DeSantis, even though DeSantis has been highly critical of Biden. It's like that special episode of a Disney sitcom where the school bully realizes he needs help with his math homework. He's like, "I'm sorry I called you those names ..."


Former president Trump has asked the Supreme Court to overturn a ruling that allows the justice department to review roughly 100 classified documents that were seized from Mar-A-Lago. Trump said, "It's my constitutional right and I would know, because the original Constitution is hanging in my bathroom at Mar-A-Lago!"


In the new, animated "Scooby-Doo" movie, Velma comes out as a lesbian. Even more shocking, Fred comes out as straight!


A painting of a woman from 1860 is going viral because people think she's walking while texting on an iPhone. The name of the painting is "Getting a DM from Adam Levine."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

An app called Preply ... polled people in various U.S. cities to find out how often they use curse words. ... New York wasn't even in the top 10. In fact, New York was tied for fourth among cities that curse the least. I don't know about that: we just spent a week in New York [and] I'm pretty sure I heard a pigeon call me a son of a b----.


Grampotus Joe-tus made a big announcement today [Oct. 6]. Biden fulfilled a campaign promise and pardoned all prior federal offences for marijuana possession. The move stops short of full decriminalization, which will probably have to wait until we have a President Woodrow Harrelson or something. ... I, for one, am just glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this happen.


Herschel Walker, if you don't know, is the very pro-life former football star running for Senate in Georgia. Earlier this week, the Daily Beast reported that he paid for an abortion in 2009. ... At this point, Herschel Walker has misrepresented so much of his life they should give him the "Lies-man trophy."


Guess who's coming to help Florida recover from the hurricane? That's right: a group of immigrants. Unbelievable. [Gov.] Ron DeSantis bringing in immigrant workers to do hurricane cleanup is like Will Smith asking Chris Rock to play his birthday party.


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

Despite pressure from the Biden administration, Russia and Saudi Arabia announced a huge cut to oil production today [Oct 6], which will no doubt raise gas prices this fall. ... In retaliation, the U.S. announced a huge cut in the production of Bud Light Lime.


According to the Wall Street Journal, energy drink sales in the United States have grown by 56% since the summer of 2019. ... Let me get this straight: energy drink sales soared during the pandemic, the exact same time half of this country was like, "I'm not getting the vaccine! Who knows what kind of chemicals are in there?"


A Canadian mayor, who was running unopposed for re-election, suddenly has an opponent after another candidate entered the race a day before registration closed. And that person is — and we're not making this up — his brother, who he has not spoken to in 30 years. ... The amazing thing about this story is that it isn't already the premise of a hit sitcom on CBS.