Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a former Yale classmate, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once set off a bar fight in college after confusing another patron for the lead singer of the band UB40. And if you have any idea who that is, you also be 40.

 

Ben & Jerry's ice cream recently helped a New York man propose to his girlfriend in a grocery store by creating a special label reading "Marry Me Mint." Which was a pretty big FU to all the recently dumped people perusing the ice cream aisle.

 

A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane's overhead bins. Said flight attendants: "This is why we don't give you the full can of coke."

 

According to a new poll, when taking a U.S. citizenship test, only 24 per cent could correctly identify one thing Benjamin Franklin was famous for. Even worse, 36 per cent asked, "Is that the guy 'Hamilton' is about?"

 

President Trump defended Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh today and said it is, quote, "a very scary time for young men in America," adding, quote, "You can be accused before you prove your innocence." OK, but that's usually the order it goes in. If you call the police out of nowhere and tell them you didn't murder your wife, they're gonna send a car around.

 

According to ESPN, the NBA will ban Kanye West's new Adidas Yeezy basketball shoe because the material they're made out of is too reflective. Not too reflective: Kanye West.

 

The White House announced today that President Trump will donate his second-quarter salary to the Small Business Administration. And Trump knows a thing or two about how to run a small business. "Step 1: start by inheriting a large business …"

 

FEMA tested out its new "Presidential Alert" system today, sending a simultaneous message to every cellphone in America at 2:18 p.m. Or, if you're on T-Mobile, 2:51 p.m.

 

Conan

In Tennessee, officials say that 400 guns were stolen from a UPS facility. Police are now looking for someone in Tennessee who only has 400 guns.

 

In Arizona, a couple's "gender-reveal party" for their baby accidentally set off a wildfire that destroyed 47,000 acres and cost $8 million in damages. On the bright side, it's a girl!

 

Canada, Mexico and the U.S. have reached a new trade agreement to replace NAFTA. Under the new deal, Mexico will send us heavy machinery, Canada will send us timber, and we'll send one of them Kanye.

 

It was reported today that in 1990, the U.S. was sixth in the world in education and now we're 27th. When they heard this, Americans asked, "Is that worser?"

 

Yesterday, Instagram underwent a worldwide outage for nearly an hour. Do you realize what that means? For almost 60 minutes, the Kardashians technically did not exist.

 

Today, President Trump said he doesn't drink and he's never had a beer in his entire life. Trump said, "I prefer being the guy who causes other people to drink."

 

First lady Melania Trump has embarked on a solo trip to Africa. When asked when she's coming back, Melania said, "Back?"

 

Democrats are criticizing the FBI's investigation of Brett Kavanaugh, calling it a "coverup." Meanwhile, Republicans are praising the FBI's investigation of Brett Kavanaugh, calling it a "coverup." And a very good one!

 

It's reported that President Trump's older sister MaryAnne may have been a key source in the New York Times story about his past tax evasion. Apparently, the two had a falling out after Trump traded her in for a younger, hotter sister.

 

There was chaos in Dublin, Ireland, after the grand opening of its first Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Witnesses say the Irish got into fistfights and street brawls, then they saw the Krispy Kreme.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A survey conducted by California Pizza Kitchen found that pizza is Americans' favorite food. Not surprisingly, the study also found that America's favorite state is California, and their favorite room is "kitchen."

 

Southwest Airlines is holding a giant sale this week, offering some flights for $49. People asked, "What's the catch?!" and Southwest said, "You have to fly Southwest."

 

There's a new FEMA alert system that allowed Trump to text the whole country. It was a historic moment because it's the first time Eric Trump has ever gotten a text from his dad.

 

The New York Times is reporting that Trump got an allowance from his dad that made him a millionaire by age eight. And this is cute -- by age nine, he'd already filed for his first bankruptcy.

 

A new poll found that 12 per cent of Americans think Dwight D. Eisenhower commanded troops in the Civil War. Even worse, 75 per cent think President Wilson was a volleyball.

 

Today, the U.S., Mexico and Canada announced a three-way trade agreement. Trump didn't even read the deal -- he just heard the phrase "three-way" and said, "I'm in!"

 

From the new movie, "A Star Is Born," Bradley Cooper is here! In the film, he plays a drunk in the middle of a downward spiral -- or as Brett Kavanaugh calls it, "The feel-good movie of the year!"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Melania Trump was in Ghana today. As in, she's never Ghana come back.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

An Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don't know the gender, but we do know who's getting custody.

 

The makers of Johnnie Walker are introducing a series of whiskeys inspired by "Game of Thrones." The whiskeys are so strong that you'll forget she's your aunt.

 

A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. This according to an email from my grandma titled "FW: FW: FW: WHAT OBAMA DID."

 

Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying that they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users. Meanwhile over at 7-Eleven, they're using them as stirrers.