Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It's like debating a parrot: you can make whatever points you want, but you know the parrot is just going to say the same four things it knows and then maybe take a dump on the New York Times.

Maybe the most egregious lie Trump told was when he said Joe Biden played more golf than he does. Phil Mickelson doesn't play more golf than he does.

At the next debate, they should give the moderator a high-powered garden hose. And then she can use it the way you do when you try to stop dogs from having sex.

At this point, does anybody think we need a border wall? I mean, seriously, are we really convinced people are still coming here for a better life? Maybe the wall is to keep us in.

So now [Trump] has the virus and his wife has it, and every staffer who may have come into contact with the president is at risk. Basically, the White House is like a summer camp with lice.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The majority of Americans don't want Trump to fill RBG's seat right now. But if the majority of Americans got what they wanted, Hillary Clinton would be president, Jon Snow would be on the Iron Throne and Mallomars would be available year-round.

You can't trust anyone with that kind of conflict of interest. You wouldn't want to go into a liver surgery and find out your doctor owes a bunch of money to Hannibal Lecter.

It can't be both made up and illegally obtained. That's like a husband saying, "I'm not sleeping with your sister! Also, walking in on us was a huge violation of our privacy."

The presidential race is tight, although not nearly as tight as The Rock's sweater — come on! It's like a pile of cantaloupes squeezed into a onesie from the Baby Gap.

Volume isn't everything. The nuclear bomb did more in Hiroshima in one day than any politician did in history, but something tells me it might have cost Truman the Japanese vote.

Just because a lot of people watch something doesn't mean something is good. I hear public executions were quite popular in their day.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Tonight we got to see white guys brutally attack each other for two hours, so it was a pretty good preview of tomorrow night's debate.

The crazy part isn't that [Trump] spent $70,000 on his hair. It's that clearly $70,000 wasn't enough.

Tonight, it was the first presidential debate — the only person who enjoyed that was Vladimir Putin while he was stroking a cat.

The debate was full of hurtful insults, constant fighting and vicious personal attacks — or, as Americans call it, Thanksgiving.

After the debate was over, [Chris] Wallace said he wants to moderate something a little more civil, like a Real Housewives reunion or a back-alley knife fight.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The debate is being held in Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland, of course, is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame — I can't think of anything more rock 'n' roll than two old guys taking to the stage to argue about the post office.

There's a new dating app out there, but this one is for connecting lonely pets. It's called "Pinder," and it's intended for pet meet-ups with the added bonus of owners connecting as well. It's a great app if you're looking to do some heavy petting.

Incredibly, 17% of people polled actually thought the debate was positive. Those 17% are also the people who still think gender reveal parties are fun.

It's the first day of October: falling leaves, crisp breezes, trees changing colors. This is just a partial list of things that won't happen here in Los Angeles.

Out of the 90 interruptions during the first debate, 71 of them were committed by Trump, the other 19 were me yelling at home, "That's it, we're moving back to England!"

Late Night with Seth Meyers

The New York Times published an investigation into President Trump's finances and let's just say Melania is gonna be pretty pissed when she learns what half of "negative 431 million" is.

The CDC has released guidance on how to safely celebrate Thanksgiving this year amid the coronavirus pandemic, including avoiding alcohol, which can impair judgment. Then again, if you had good judgment, you wouldn't have gone to Thanksgiving dinner with your family in the first place.

The first presidential debate was held last night in Cleveland, Ohio. Although it wasn't really a debate. It certainly wasn't presidential. And it wasn't "held" so much as it "happened to us." I guess the only accurate part of that sentence was "Cleveland, Ohio."

"Tiger King" star Carole Baskin was eliminated from "Dancing With the Stars" this week. If you haven't seen "Tiger King," it's a docuseries that premiered on Netflix three lifetimes ago.

In an effort to offer a healthy alternative to candy, Sun-Maid is offering raisin snacks in Halloween-themed, glow-in-the-dark packaging. Which means you'll be able to see it even down in the dark bottom of the trash can.