The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The UN just started their session here in New York, and this morning President Donald Trump was slated to speak second, but he was so late that Ecuador's president had to take his place. C'mon man, you're FROM New York. You know what the traffic is like when the UN is here.

 

Today Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to 10 years in state prison for sexual assault. Incredibly sad story. At this point, obviously no one can defend Bill Cosby, unless you are his publicist.

 

Conan

Actress Ellen Pompeo hinted that two years from now, she may leave "Grey's Anatomy." When they heard this, fans of the show said, "Wait, that show is still on?"

 

Weight Watchers announced it's changing its name. They've changed their name to "Screw It, Have the Fudge."

 

A second woman has come forward to accuse Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct. For those of you keeping track, 13 more and Kavanaugh can run for president.

 

There's a rumor that Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein wants to declare President Trump unfit for office. Right now, all Rosenstein has to go on is everything Trump has said or done for the past two years.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Weight Watchers is shortening its name to "W.W." Which means in the next Weight Watchers commercial, you'll see the name bragging about how it dropped 12 letters.

 

The co-founders of Instagram are planning to leave the company. But we all know they're just going to open another one under a different name so their parents can't see it.

 

A school bus driver in Indiana was fired after it came out that she let students take turns driving the bus. Afterward, Greyhound was like, "We'll take her!"

 

I heard that Kanye West was recently spotted wearing a Make America Great Again hat and a Colin Kaepernick sweatshirt. And yet, somehow, it's still the least confusing thing Kanye has ever done.

 

I saw that, for the first time, Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which will be great, until they all politely vote THEMSELVES off.

 

Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you're in coach, they just duct-tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.

 

President Trump is in New York this week for the UN General Assembly. Yep, a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it, "Boring Miss Universe."

 

There are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the UN. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the king of Norway.

 

I read that Taco Bell's breakfast menu is pretty popular, but nobody's ordering their coffee. Probably because drinking coffee after eating Taco Bell is like dropping a pack of Mentos into some Diet Coke.

 

Yesterday, Tiger Woods won his first tournament in five years. It was a huge moment for golf. I read that it had been over 1,800 days since Tiger Woods last won. Then the Cleveland Browns were like, "That's it?!"

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Arizona Republican Congressman Paul Gosar is having some problems with his campaign after an ad aired featuring six people endorsing his opponent. And those six people are all Paul Gosar's brothers and sisters. And you thought YOUR Thanksgiving dinner was going to be awkward this year.

 

President Trump gave a speech to the United Nations where he boasted of his achievements in office, and the world leaders in attendance responded with polite applause. I am kidding. They laughed in his face. And they say Donald Trump can't bring people together.

 

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now -- come out against ice cream?

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Watching Trump speak at the United Nations is like when your alcoholic uncle grabs the microphone at your wedding. No good can come of it.

 

It's weird that Trump has shown more affection for Brett Kavanaugh in one week than he has for Eric and Don Jr. in, really, all of their entire lives.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to reports, rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year's Super Bowl halftime show. So if you like Cardi B, and you also like Maroon 5, you're trying way too hard to connect with your kids.

 

Today was National Punctuation Day. And, hopefully, Bill Cosby is celebrating with a really long sentence.

 

Dunkin' Donuts has announced it will be shortening its name to "Dunkin'" in order to increase the emphasis on their non-doughnut items. Meanwhile, Taco Bell is going all out and just changing their name to "You're Stoned."

 

Olive Garden this week brought back its seasonal chocolate chunkin' pumpkin cheesecake to its menu. And Fox News is desperately trying to convince us that's the biggest story of the day.

 

At a campaign rally on Friday, President Trump defended Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, saying he was "born for" the position. What position? Surprise villain in a "Law & Order" episode? "It was the judge this whole time!"

 

Special counsel Robert Mueller was seen at a Washington-area Apple Store yesterday getting tech support for his laptop. Said the technician: "See, the problem is, your computer is too full of evidence."

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than $11,000 by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. These scams can be tricky, but one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asks to borrow $11,000.

 

A new report from the UN shows that last year, Colombia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by a Bobby Brown sneeze.

 

The Philadelphia Flyers are being mocked online for their new team mascot, which is a seven-foot-tall fuzzy creature named Gritty with a long orange beard, googly eyes and, I assume, a dime bag of mostly stems.

 

Dunkin' Donuts announced that it will change its name to just 'Dunkin'. The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.