Late Laughs for the week of October 18 - 24, 2020

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The Late Late Show with James Corden

NASA has published a plan to put the first-ever woman on the moon by the year 2024. Basically, it will soon be easier for women to go to the moon than have a say over their own bodies.


You can tell it's fall here in Los Angeles. All the smoke from the wildfires is really starting to smell like pumpkin spice.


Trump said [the novel coronavirus] only affects elderly people. You're 74! You are elderly! Your diet is Kentucky Fried Chicken. Elderly people with heart problems is you! How are you not worried about this?


I do love the look of a plaid shirt with a blazer. That way, when you show up to the ranch, the cows know you mean business.


Elon Musk has unveiled a new battery that will last for up to 1 million miles in Tesla cars. It's perfect timing, though: a car with a million-mile battery life at a time when we have absolutely nowhere we can go.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Democrats may have a quiver of arrows, but Trump has a literal heat ray.


It used to take several decades for cultures to get nostalgic, but the past nine months have felt so long it's time for VH1's new series, "I Love the January!" I can't believe the haircuts we had back then, in that we would get haircuts.


This Halloween, the CDC is discouraging trick-or-treating. Maybe that's for the best. Anybody who goes dressed as a mummy is just going to get mugged for the toilet paper.


Donald Trump saying "you're only in it for yourself" is like Jeffrey Dahmer telling you to be a vegan.


You can't get rid of the ballots. An election without ballots is just a bunch of adults who took off work on Tuesday because they like stickers.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

We're already in the middle of a global pandemic, racial unrest and a cratering economy. Now there's going to be a fight over an open Supreme Court seat. At this rate, next week's debate will be about how to handle the current alien invasion.


This election already felt like a tense Thanksgiving dinner. Now it's like your uncle rolled in straight from rehab.


The Republicans are in favor of Trump's nominee and he hasn't named one yet. Even the people who got engaged on "Love is Blind" were like, "Don't you want to see who it is first?"


If you're keeping track, Meghan Markle's got beef with the Queen of England and the president of the United States. She's just one Jay-Z fight away from taking on the entire Illuminati.


Russian President Vladimir Putin was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Putin is thrilled, while everyone else in the category is poisoned.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It is weird being back in an office after six months at home. They divided the office into zones: We have Zone A, Zone B and Zone C … I'm not sure if I'm hosting a show or boarding a Southwest Airlines flight.


The weirdest part of hosting [the Emmys] was, when it was over, there are usually parties and everyone is carrying their Emmys around. Everyone's happy, everyone's celebrating. This year, the show ended and it was like, "Well, I guess I'll get into my car and drive home."


Time magazine has unveiled their annual list of the 100 most influential people. I actually wrote a little blurb about Dr. Fauci for it. I wrote it because I respect Dr. Fauci, and also because I'm hoping he'll sneak me an early vial of the vaccine.


You know, because of the pandemic, the CDC is urging families to skip trick-or-treating this year. They're now recommending that if your kids want to do something spooky on Halloween, they should sit quietly and think about how badly the administration handled the pandemic response.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

The Justice Department has reportedly labeled New York City an "anarchist jurisdiction." Are you kidding me? Nobody has more laws than New York City. Have you ever heard of a co-op board? There are more rules in my building's lobby than there are in all of Wyoming — I have to get five signatures to approve a welcome mat.


Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced earlier this week his foundation will open its first preschool, called The Bezos Academy. Big deal. Netflix has been running a preschool in my living room for months.


According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest state. That story again: Hawaii is the state furthest away from the rest of America.