The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I read that Coca-Cola might be working on a drink that's infused with weed. They're still going to put your name on the side of the can, because it's the only way you'll remember it.

 

I heard about an Arby's in California that's offering customers free Arby's tattoos. It's the perfect way for people to show that they don't care about the inside OR outside of their body.

 

There's a new trend in makeup right now called "draping." It's where people blend their eyeshadow and blush together. Or as that's also known, "sweating."

 

I heard that Meghan Markle is coming out with a cookbook. But since she's a royal, the cookbook just says, "Step one: sit and wait for food."

 

The 2020 Olympics are in Tokyo, and I saw that Japan wants to light the Olympic torch with a flying car. So, whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire.

 

North and South Korea say they want to host the 2032 Summer Olympics together. The highlight will be when the athletes try pole-vaulting from North Korea into South Korea.

 

Today is National Pepperoni Pizza Day, Free Queso Day and Free Sushi Day. And if you're celebrating all three of those foods together, congrats! You're pregnant!

 

I read that the FDA is launching a new campaign against teen vaping. ‘Cause we all know if there's one way to get kids to stop smoking, it's hearing from all those cool cats at the Food and Drug Administration.

 

FEMA has a new emergency alert system that would let Trump send a message to every cellphone in the U.S. They even have a name for it: "Twitter."

 

This morning, Trump tweeted that Americans who are unhappy with their jobs should start looking for new ones. Then five minutes later, he walked into the West Wing and everyone was gone.

 

Stormy Daniels has written a book about Trump, and an advance copy just came out. She actually writes about her night with Trump in detail. Which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a straw.

 

Conan

A new lawsuit came out and it claims that female employees were harassed at Del Taco restaurants. The lawsuit says the women were exposed to unwanted advances, crude remarks, and food from Del Taco.

 

While covering the Emmys last night, the New York Times confused actress Angela Bassett with former White House adviser Omarosa. Making matters worse, today the Times extended a heartfelt apology to Serena Williams.

 

A recent poll shows when asked what their favorite Mexican restaurant is, Americans overwhelmingly said Taco Bell. As soon as they heard, Mexico offered to pay for the wall.

 

At a party last night, Trump supporter and "Apprentice" producer Mark Burnett physically assaulted Tom Arnold. Arnold was unhurt and said, "It's nice to be recognized."

 

Starting tomorrow, a new version of the Emergency Broadcast System is going to allow President Trump to send texts to all of our cellphones. Trump said, "I thought I'd try announcing emergencies instead of just causing them."

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The only thing Trump has been able to build so far are the eight wall prototypes that went up last year. They are different shapes and colors. They are like accent walls -- because they are to keep out anyone with an accent.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

The internet has been exploding over a tweet from Kylie Jenner. She tweeted, "Last night I had cereal with milk for the first time. Life changing." You see, these are the types of outside-the-box ideas that turned her into a self-made billionaire.

 

The Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has hit a major snag due to a recent sexual misconduct allegation. In an interview over the weekend, one Republican senator criticized the confirmation process as "an intergalactic freak show." Trump supporters then immediately complained that intergalactic freaks are coming over here illegally and stealing all our shows.

 

A small town in Missouri recently launched a newspaper called The Examiner. The mayor is upset about this, and to understand why, you need to know that the town is called -- I promise this is real -- Uranus. So the newspaper that they launched is The Uranus Examiner.

 

Trump spent today touring the Carolinas. At one point, he stopped to ask a resident about a large boat that had washed ashore next to his house. According to reports, Trump asked the man, "Is this your boat?" When the homeowner said "No," Trump actually replied -- this is true -- "At least you got a nice boat out of the deal."

 

Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continues to face opposition. It's gotten so bad that Ivanka Trump has told her father to "cut bait" and nominate someone else. Ivanka said it's a lost cause, and it's better to just let him go and start fresh with someone new -- to which Melania said, "Hey, great advice!"

 

Over the past week, giant plastic-wrapped bundles of marijuana have been mysteriously washing ashore along the coast of Florida, and people have been spotted fighting over them. President Trump immediately congratulated the locals, saying, "Hey, at least you got some nice weed out of the deal."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This guy Mark Saltzman -- a former writer for "Sesame Street" -- implied that he believes Bert and Ernie are gay, which, is this really news? Finding out Bert and Ernie are gay would be like finding out Cookie Monster has diabetes. It's not exactly a surprise.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which was part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD.

 

In a new interview, President Trump addressed the firing of FBI Director James Comey and said he should have fired Comey the day he "won the primaries." Yeah, except you weren't the president then. Boy, for a guy who got famous for saying "You're fired," you really don't know how firing people works.