Late Laughs for the week of October 11 - 17, 2020

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It's a good time to be Patrick Mahomes this summer. He signed a 10-year, $503-million contract. Patrick Mahomes is so rich, he actually bought "Mulan" on Disney .


Tom Brady went from New England to Florida. Before, his fans pregamed with lager; now they do it with bath salts.


Martha Stewart is launching her own CBD line. Even crazier, Snoop Dogg is launching his own line of table cloths and pie tins.


You know you're doing something crazy when the state that allows gambling and prostitution is like, "You can't do that, bro."


A new survey found that because of the pandemic, 71% of Americans said they wouldn't feel safe in a movie theater right now. Don't worry — every movie theater has been thoroughly cleaned by a teenager with an old mop.


Let me put this in perspective for the Netflix generation: By the time there's a [COVID-19] vaccine, the students at Cobra Kai will be older than Mr. Miyagi.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

OK, 2020, pestilence? Pillars of fire? If you're going full Old Testament, where's the river of blood? 'Cause we could use it to put out the flaming tornadoes.


Ah, the age-old question: if a tree falls in a forest and there's no one around to see it, can you convince reporters it exploded?


You know your rally is a bad idea when it's deemed too stupid for Reno. That's where you go when Vegas is like, "Hey, take it easy man, you're scaring our sex workers."


Wait — does that mean we're never getting rid of the masks? I need to know how much longer I need to smell my own breath. I had shrimp scampi for lunch on Monday and every time I exhale it's like I'm French kissing a sea captain!


The Late Late Show with James Corden

After a woman was told that she couldn't wear an anti-Trump shirt into her polling place, she just did the next best thing: she removed her shirt and went in and voted topless. She was done in a flash!


Dozens of Amazon's own original products, made for their AmazonBasics line of electronics, have been bursting into flames. I mean I've heard of Kindle Fire, but this is ridiculous.


A postcard was delivered to a woman in Michigan almost 100 years after it was sent in the mail. The card was postmarked in the year 1920, so good luck with the mail-in voting.


On the surface of Venus, the temperature is more than 800 degrees, it's covered by clouds of sulfuric acid and the atmosphere is almost completely made of carbon dioxide; so, slightly more livable than Los Angeles right now.


"Explosive trees" sounds like the new strain of weed your stepbrother has started selling out of his van.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

This is actually the first time I've been in a quiet, empty house in years. It's crazy at my place right now. We've been homeschooling our kids.


On top of everything else, my wife and I are expecting our third child. That's right — we took a look at 2020 and thought, "You know what might reduce our stress? A newborn baby."


My 4-year-old daughter is better at keeping secrets than the president. She knew we were pregnant for weeks before we announced it and she didn't say a word to Bob Woodward.


For years, [Jimmy] has been trying to weasel his way into my vacations with Magic Johnson. So, Jimmy begs me to take him on vacation, then he goes away for the whole summer. But does he invite me? Nope. Instead, he asks me to come cover his shift, like we work together at The Cheesecake Factory.


We started this year thinking the election was going to be the craziest thing to happen in 2020. Now, Batman has the coronavirus.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

New York City restaurants can reopen for indoor dining at 25% capacity. So, for most New York restaurants, that works out to … one person.


Taylor Swift is set to make her first Country Music Awards appearance in seven years when she performs at the Academy of Country Music Awards. It's the one place where she knows she definitely won't be interrupted by Kanye.


Billionaire hedge fund manager Steven Cohen reached an agreement yesterday to purchase the New York Mets for a record-setting $2.4 billion. Or, roughly $31.6 million per loss.


The owners of Chuck E. Cheese have petitioned a Texas bankruptcy court to allow them to destroy more than seven billion prize tickets that have piled up in its supply chain amid the coronavirus pandemic. Seven billion tickets, or, if you convert that to prizes, one large bear.