The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice. He said it was a night he'll never forget ... because he wrote it on a weird calendar he'll keep for 30 years.

 

Actually, while Kavanaugh was being sworn in, there were lots of angry protesters gathered outside. It got even worse when Kavanaugh stepped onto the balcony and threw beads at the crowd.

 

A man in Kentucky who's also named Brett Kavanaugh went viral this weekend for tweeting, "This is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanaugh." Then a guy named "Bill Cosby Weinstein" was like, "It could be worse!"

 

I read about a 107-year-old barber here in New York who's still cutting hair. And if you wanna set up an appointment, you'd better hurry.

 

I read about a female college student who made an "exit survey" to send to guys who ghosted her to find out why. And every single guy answered the survey by saying, "This is why, Karen. 'Cause you do stuff like this!"

 

Some business news. I read that Sears is about to file for bankruptcy. Employees knew there was a chance this could happen when every Sears closed five years ago.

 

Here's some tech news. Facebook will now let you launch group chats with 250 people at once. The feature even has a new name: Hell.

 

Get this. I heard that by 2021, the planet could have more personal assistant devices than people. Even worse, I heard it from my Alexa in a very threatening tone.

 

It just came out that President Trump is going to meet with Kanye West at the White House on Thursday. And this is interesting -- they both think they're going to a Twitter intervention for the other person.

 

Tomorrow is President Trump's big meeting with Kanye West at the White House. Which means right now a bunch of Russians are arguing over who gets to eavesdrop.

 

Trump is meeting with Kanye at the White House. Trump will be like, "I wish you'd been here last week -- I had a Supreme Court seat to fill!"

 

Today, President Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. Incredible. If you told me 10 years ago that Trump and Kanye would be meeting at the White House, I would've said, "Oh my God -- Kanye becomes president?!"

 

This week, former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg switched his voter registration and became a Democrat. When asked what made him change parties, Bloomberg said, "Kanye."

 

There's a hospital here in the city that keeps a Spotify playlist full of songs with beats that match up with CPR compressions. 'Cause when you're having a heart attack, who doesn't want their doctor to ask, "So, whaddya think, Drake or Migos?"

 

A cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting after it came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say they're "embarrassed, a little humiliated and there's a hint of shame."

 

Since his UN ambassador resigned yesterday, Trump says he's narrowed down his list of replacements to five people. He was like, "It'll be either Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall or Kylie."

 

James Corden

Nobody uses the word "tremendous" as much as Trump does. He's like that kid who learns one big word and always finds a way to use it in sentences, even if it's wrong. "If I don't get home for dinner, my mother's going to be so tremendous."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Melania Trump is back in the U.S.A. after a five-day trip to Africa. Did you know that when Melania is out of the country, the acting first lady is Sean Hannity?

 

Trump called the protests “phony stuff” — and even gave a special shout out to the FBI. Wait. Is this the same FBI that’s doing the “witch hunt?” Because I thought they were ... oh, never mind, nothing means anything anymore.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Los Angeles International Airport has updated its policy to allow travelers to pack marijuana when flying. And every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight.

 

According to reports, Taco Bell has sold 53 million orders of its nacho fries. The fries are so successful they’re thinking about expanding into Mexican food.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth, and people were like, "Yeah but like what does Taylor Swift think about it?"

 

We don't really worry about climate change because it's too overwhelming, and we're already in too deep. It's like if you owe your bookie $1,000, you're like, "I gotta pay this dude back." But if you owe your bookie a million dollars, you're like, "I guess I'm just gonna die."

 

A new report claims that Taylor Swift's Instagram post endorsing midterm candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy's got six million people to vote for "Which Burger Can Get It?"

 

Amazon has opened a new store that only sells the company's highest-rated items called Amazon 4-Star. There is also a store which sells Amazon's lowest-rated items called RadioShack.

 

A vintage airplane will soon be installed at JFK Airport and turned into a cocktail lounge. While at LaGuardia it's now boarding at Gate 32.

 

A new exhibit has opened at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, dedicated to the life of his slave Sally Hemings, who gave birth to six of his children. And you know they're his kids because they all got that good hair.

 

It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. Do you know how hard it is to make Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is "Kid."