Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York City Marathon is this weekend. And thanks to the subway system, it's now the most efficient way to get around the city.

 

Today was World Vegan Day. Celebrate with no meat, no dairy and no friends.

 

A company has released a list of the richest pets of 2018, with the No. 1 spot going to a German Shepherd named Gunther the Fourth, who is worth $375 million. Raising the troubling question: What happened to the other three Gunthers?

 

Officials are suggesting that the death of notorious Boston mob boss Whitey Bulger in prison this week may have been a hit job by people with ties to organized crime. May have? That's like saying Elmer Fudd may have shot Daffy Duck. There's literally no other suspect.

 

A nurse in Missouri was fired this week after she used blackface to dress up as Beyoncé for Halloween. Said her boss: "Everything you own in a box to the left."

 

The Department of the Interior reportedly told its staff yesterday that they were not allowed to show up to work dressed as President Trump for Halloween. Which is crazy. Anyone dressed as President Trump would never show up to work.

 

Politico has published a new article claiming that recent court filings and unusual case handling by the D.C. Circuit court suggest that special counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed President Trump. And you can tell Trump is nervous because he explicitly denied it in all caps at 2 a.m.

 

An employee at the U.S. Geological Survey has reportedly infected the agency's computer network with malware after visiting thousands of porn sites using a work-issued laptop. In the geologist's defense, he was just trying to get his rocks off.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Halloween's just two days away, and here in New York, the MTA created a "Haunted Subway" filled with creepy lighting and zombies. Passengers said, "Wow, this is terrifying!" Then officials said, "Oh no, this is a regular D-train."

 

I read that some people are giving out healthier candy this Halloween, made from things like quinoa or beets. Even people giving out apples with razor blades were like, "You monsters!"

 

Tomorrow, Krispy Kreme will give you a free doughnut if you walk in wearing a costume. Which means we now have a new definition for the term "walk of shame."

 

Today, Apple announced that their new MacBooks are made from 100 percent recycled aluminum. Which sounds nice, until you look closely at your $2,000 laptop and see the faded words, "Mountain Dew."

 

Mexico's Supreme Court just ruled that a ban on legal weed is unconstitutional. Which explains why a giant caravan of Americans is now making its way toward Mexico.

 

This weekend is Daylight Saving Time, which means we all get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday. Yeah, we all gain an hour -- and then lose that hour trying to change the clock on the microwave.

 

At an event this weekend, Hillary Clinton didn't rule out running for president in 2020. Even the company that's building the Titanic II was like, "That sounds like a bad idea."

 

The Red Sox had a historic year, winning 119 games. It's incredible -- that's like one win for every Wahlberg brother.

 

A woman in Ohio painted a 315-pound pumpkin to look like Kanye West. Kanye loved it because it combined his two favorite things: himself and President Trump.

 

The midterms are next week, and in the next six days, Trump is holding 11 rallies. You can tell he's getting nervous ‘cause he's making last-minute stops in key areas like Florida, Ohio and Moscow.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

On election night, "The Late Show" will be live right here at the Ed Sullivan Theater, all night, but of course, the entire show will be on a 10-second delay in case someone says something obscene, like "Ted Cruz won."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Have you been following the blood feud between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj? Now you may know, Cardi B threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj during Fashion Week in New York. Which is also how the Tupac-Biggie feud got started. A lot of people didn't know that.

 

We dressed up for Halloween as we typically do. Our theme this year is classic TV shows from our youth. Tonight, we are dressed as characters that everyone under 40 years old will have to Google.

 

Usually when Trump makes an executive order, it comes with four biscuits, two cups of mashed potatoes and 10 pieces of the Colonel's extra crispy fried chicken.

 

I feel like we've reached the point at which we need to control-alt-delete the whole country and start over again.

 

Pharrell Williams sent the president a cease and desist letter because they played his song "Happy" at a rally the day of the synagogue shooting. He played "because I'm happy." Not only is he the worst president, he's the worst DJ, too.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Rapper 50 Cent continued his longstanding feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 front-row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly 50 cents.

 

The inventor of the MetroCard died this week. While waiting for the L Train.

 

President Trump announced that he will deploy more than 15,000 troops to the U.S.-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago.

 

Old white people have the strangest fears. Of all the things that actually should scare them -- salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen -- why are you freaking out about Mexicans? If anything, you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing your pain pills.

 

The Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: "Things Are Getting Better. We Can't Go Back." In my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is that someone feels the need to tell you that things are getting better.

 

Former president Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. OK, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of a stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor's face.