Jimmy Kimmel Live!: Jimmy Kimmel

Mayor Bloomberg lifted his three or more people per car rule tonight. No one was allowed to cross the bridges between 6 a.m. until midnight unless they were in a car pool because the tunnels flooded. It's known as "carpool tunnel syndrome."

Local officials are doing whatever they can to help those affected by hurricane Sandy. Newark Mayor Corey Booker has been inviting people to his house. This either makes him the coolest or creepiest mayor ever.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver!

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, Levi Johnston, married the mother of his new baby and he wore camouflage at the ceremony. I guess Levi wanted his wife and new baby to get used to not seeing him.

Last week, the Mars Rover stretched out its robotic arm and took a picture of itself. In other words, America’s greatest technological achievement has turned into a 14-year-old girl with Instagram.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

The birth rate in the United States has hit an all-time low. But to be fair, basketball season has just started. It’s going to take a while for these guys to get out there and go to different towns ... just be patient!

The latest James Bond movie, "Skyfall," is really good, but there's a bit of a controversy now because of product placement. Like, instead of his signature martini, Bond now drinks Heineken. That's not the only example: 007 is now 007-Eleven ... you know Miss Moneypenny? She's now Miss JCPenny.

The Late Show: David Letterman

They canceled the marathon. The good thing is they waited until Friday night to cancel it ... I was stretching and carbo-loading when I got the news. No, but really, nobody told me and I’m so embarrassed -- I spent the entire day in Central Park applauding people who were walking by!

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

Disney has bought the rights to the Star Wars movies for $4 billion. Star Wars fans are passionate. Most don't like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals -- these people are known as idiots. The new films will be made by Disney. I've worked with Disney. They're a great company to work for! (If I don't say that, they'll hurt me.)

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.

Some tech news. I saw that Apple has fired the executives who were responsible for the recent Maps debacle. Yeah, Apple told them, "Get lost!" And they were like, "Great, we'll just use Apple Maps."

A laptop containing the first presidential email in history –- from Bill Clinton -– recently sold on eBay for $125,000. Yeah, you can tell the email is from Clinton from the subject heading: “You up?”

Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update With Seth Meyers

New York City officials are saying that the city’s flooded subway system may be running at full capacity sometime next week. Which would be amazing, since it never has before!

A British woman, who is a fan of the James Bond movies, has legally changed her name to Pussy Galore Honey Rider Solitaire Plenty O’Toole May Day Xenia Onatopp Holly Goodhead Tiffany Case Kissy Suzuki Mary Goodnight Jinx Johnson Octopussy Domino Moneypenny. But they never get it right on her Starbucks cup.

People in New Zealand are waiting to see when the country’s 4,444,444th person will be born. Confirming my suspicion that living in New Zealand is exactly as interesting as staring at an odometer.

Police in Connecticut say that a tree overturned by hurricane Sandy has revealed a skeleton buried beneath that may have been there since colonial times. “Yes,” said the home’s owner, “colonial times … ”

Scientists in South Korea have confirmed that an elephant at a local zoo has the ability to reproduce five Korean words by tucking his trunk inside his mouth. Though it’s suspicious that the five words he can say are: “Help, this elephant swallowed me!”