The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The president announced that U.S. Special Forces had killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. So I would like to thank and congratulate all the brave service members in our special forces who risked their lives and got this job done. I would also like to congratulate President Donald J. Trump -- but he just makes it so damn hard!

 

The official White House transcript of Trump's Ukraine phone call omitted crucial words and phrases. This is huge! The White House intentionally left things out. It's like the infamous 18-and-a-half-minute gap on Nixon's Watergate tape, if Nixon had left in the bad stuff!

 

Yesterday the house voted to formalize the impeachment inquiry. It just makes sense, it is November and it's time to toss out that rotting jack-o'-lantern.

 

A Little Late With Lilly Singh

You know how I know I'm old? The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is, "What did I do yesterday? Because my whole body hurts. Oh, that's right, I just lived my life and did nothing out of the ordinary."

 

Have you ever seen an old couple walking arm in arm? It looks cute at first, but if you look closer, she's got a bad hip and he's got a bad knee, and they're really just holding each other up at that point. It's like two drunks outside of a bar at 3 a.m.

 

I don't blame NBC for wanting to get in on the streaming game, but there are too many streaming services. These services are kind of like religions: everyone has their favorite, it makes us feel alive and it's how we waste our Sundays.

 

Conan

President Trump went to the World Series game last night and the crowd booed -- and that was before he was on the Kiss Cam with Vladimir Putin!

 

A new poll came out. It found that 70% of millennials said they would vote for a socialist. Can you believe that? Millennials said they would vote!

 

Yesterday President Trump welcomed trick-or-treaters at the White House. Some of them were disappointed and asked, "What happened to that nice family that used to live here?"

 

In New York City, low-level offenders can now take an art class to substitute for jail time. The criminals said, "No thanks, we'll take the jail time, we're good."

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I saw that for the 2020 Olympics, Toyota is launching new driverless taxis, but they still will have a driver inside the car -- perfect for anyone who wants their driver to focus solely on forced conversation.

 

A new study found that White Claw gets you drunk faster than any other drink and leaves less of a hangover. This study was done by a team known as "The Real Housewives."

 

Walgreens is opening up 100 Jenny Craig outlets inside their stores -- that's pretty cruel, making people walk through an aisle of Halloween candy before going into a Jenny Craig.

 

Today is National Candy Corn Day. Here's a little tip: if you're hosting a Halloween party and think you might run out of candy corn, don't worry -- you won't.

 

I read that Trump's approval rating is at just 41%, but his staff is spinning it. They're like, "It's not a low approval rating, it's just fun-sized."

 

A new $3.9-billion terminal just opened at LaGuardia Airport -- so much nicer, all the rats now wear little bowties.

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Speaker Nancy Polosi said that the house will take a vote on Thursday to formalize impeachment procedures against the president. So, even though the vote is on Halloween, for some of us it's going to feel like Christmas.

 

Turns out the White House is now that creepy mansion that everyone's too scared to visit on Halloween.

 

Fifty percent of Americans say they can't start their day without coffee, and 100% of Keurig spokespeople are glad to hear it!

 

Nancy Pelosi would make the world's worst detective. She's like, "They're not admitting they did a crime, and I can't figure out why!"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump took a little field trip last night to Game 5 of the World Series between the Astros and the Washington Nationals in D.C. Usually to get booed that much at a sporting event in D.C. you have to play for the Redskins. But somehow, I guess, the Orangeskins qualify as well.

 

He keeps insisting this was a perfect call, and he did nothing wrong. Him saying "read the transcript" is like Bill Clinton saying "look at the spot on this dress!"

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York City subway turned 115 years old yesterday. And if you want to get an idea of what the subway was like back in 1904, go down there.

 

Apple has announced it is coming out with a more expensive "Pro" model of its Air Pods headphones. With new features like feeling even worse when they fall out and you lose them.

 

A town in Ireland broke a Guinness World Record this weekend by gathering over 1,000 people dressed like Harry Potter. And if you want to see 1,000 people who look like Ron Weasley, just go to any town in Ireland, any time.

 

Trump and Melania held a Halloween event at the White House. Melania handed out candy while Trump took it back. "Sorry kid, executive privilege."

 

According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than any other profession. So, ladies, they're not whistling at you, they just have a deviated septum.

 

Weekend Update

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college.

 

Two women on the International Space Station made history with the first all-female spacewalk. Which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling "Kiss!"