Jimmy Kimmel Live

Anthony Scaramucci had a new book called "Trump: The Blue-Collar President." Yeah -- nothing screams "blue collar" like the old regular Joe who has his name written in gold on skyscrapers and takes a full-sized private jet to play golf every weekend.

 

While things are unpleasant here on planet Earth, President Trump says there's a "good chance" the Space Force could be up and running sometime next year. That's right, that's right. If all goes according to plan, Donald Trump will have created the first-ever branch of the military that is completely imaginary.

 

The Space Force is expected to cost many billions of dollars. But don't worry about that -- Donald Trump has a plan to make the Vulcans pay for it and that should be fine.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The new "Halloween" movie won the box office this weekend, and I saw that it takes place 40 years after the original. You can tell Michael Myers is getting old, 'cause whenever he busts into a room, it takes him a minute to remember why he went in.

 

Michael Myers is old! He's so old, he wears his mask on a beaded string around his neck.

 

The World Series starts tomorrow! And I heard that if someone steals a base, everyone in America gets a free taco from Taco Bell. It's called "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco," which is better than the original name, "Run for the Runs."

 

This is very exciting: the Mega Millions jackpot is now a record high $1.6 billion! Of course, after taxes that's around $900 million. Or if you're President Trump: $1.6 billion.

 

That's right, the jackpot for tomorrow's drawing is $1.6 billion. Which means for just $2, you have a chance to lose just $2.

 

I just read that 7-Eleven is recalling their taquitos due to a possible salmonella outbreak. Experts aren't 100 percent sure, because the effects of salmonella are the same effects of eating taquitos.

 

New research found that six in 10 Americans are currently sleep deprived. Or, as we call that, "Great for ratings!"

 

I read that Trump is planning to hold 10 more rallies before Nov. 6. If he gets tired, they're just going to put a wig on an air horn and hope nobody notices.

 

I saw that Trump actually scheduled a rally in Florida on Halloween. They're giving out tickets by saying it's a live performance of "The Great Pumpkin."

 

I heard that Utah might legalize marijuana, so a state lawmaker went to Nevada to "research" weed. When asked what he learned, his staff said, "That was four days ago, he hasn't come back."

 

Trump and Putin are meeting in Paris on Nov. 11, which is just five days after the midterm elections. Apparently Putin told Trump, "I want to get paid for my work in person."

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

This morning, a Trump campaigner announced that they'd be spending over $20 million campaigning around the country in support of Republican candidates. It's all part of Trump's "humiliate other Republicans" world tour.

 

Trump's team said the president is scheduled to open 10 more rallies before the midterm election, so don't worry -- if he hasn't insulted your minority group yet, he will get to you. Just sit tight.

 

Look, I've only been in this country for a couple of years, but obviously I was under the impression that being the president was kind of a full-time job. Not a side hustle, like you're driving for Uber.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

To help residents adjust to the legalized use of recreational marijuana, government officials in Canada have set up a website offering step-by-step instructions on how to properly roll a joint. Step one: knock on your older brother's bedroom door.

 

During a segment on Halloween costumes on her show today, Megyn Kelly defended wearing blackface, saying, quote, "Back when I was a kid, that was OK." Wow. Say what you want about Megyn Kelly, but she looks great for being 200 years old.

 

Yahoo has settled a two-year lawsuit after agreeing to pay $50 million to 200 million U.S. consumers whose information was released during a security breach. Said the consumers: "I still have a Yahoo account?"

 

According to a new poll, 38 percent of Americans say their finances have improved since President Trump has taken office. And almost all of them are liquor store owners.

 

Ethiopia today appointed the country's first female president. So congratulations to -- I hope I'm pronouncing this right -- Hillary Clinton.

 

In a new interview, the creator of the vodka brand Grey Goose said that one the biggest vodka-related mistakes people make is storing liquor in the freezer. While the No. 1 tequila-related mistake is drinking tequila.

 

According to a new study, 25 percent of students from Arizona State University say they have experienced "clinically significant" levels of stress as a result of the 2016 election. The other 75 percent said, "Why, who won?"

 

The White House issued a statement today condemning the suspicious packages sent to the homes of the Clintons, former president Obama and CNN's New York City headquarters. Trump has ordered the FBI to look at several suspects, including the Clintons, Obama and CNN.

 

Carroll Spinney, the puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, has announced that he is retiring from "Sesame Street." Even sadder, the guy who plays Mr. Snuffleupagus' butt died in 2009 and no one noticed.

 

President Trump held a campaign rally for Sen. Ted Cruz in Texas last night and spoke for 76 minutes. Marking the first known instance in recorded history of people yelling, "Bring out Ted Cruz!"

 

According to the New York Times, President Trump still uses his iPhone for calls, even though aides have told him Russian spies routinely eavesdrop on them. Of course, it doesn't count as eavesdropping if that's who you called.

 

President Trump told reporters today that he gets along well with Sen. Ted Cruz, saying, quote, "He's not Lyin' Ted anymore. He's Beautiful Ted." Dude, if that's Beautiful Ted, then you're Lyin' Donald.