Late Laughs for the week of November 17 - 23, 2019

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney has been using a secret Twitter account where he supported himself and criticized President Trump. He goes by the name Pierre Delecto -- sounds like an evil chef at Au Bon Pain.


Earlier tonight, ABC aired the classic Halloween special "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." They actually updated it a bit -- at the end of this version, the Great Pumpkin gets impeached.


This weekend, Snoop Dogg celebrated his 48th birthday. He received a bouquet of 48 joints, although what he was really hoping for was an edibles arrangement.


Millions of Americans are buying Halloween candy for trick-or-treaters, which they will rebuy in six days after they polish it off themselves.


By the time Trump is done building all these walls, the country's going to look like 50 giant cubicles.


A new study found that mashed potatoes are just as good as Gatorade when exercising. So remember, this Thanksgiving you're not "overeating," you're "training for the winter games."


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Calling a wedding "the bride's day" is like calling Thanksgiving "the turkey's meal." She is poked and prodded for hours and eventually placed in the center of a room where everyone claps and says, "So beautiful!"


The hardest part for me about Halloween is going to buy a costume, especially if the character I want to be is not brown. This year I was thinking of going as Alice in Wonderland, but her skin's not brown, I guess I could go as Justin Trudeau.


Halloween must be a very confusing day for children. Their whole lives they're told not to talk to strangers, and then on one random day they are encouraged to knock on their doors.



White House acting chief of staff Mick Mullvaney is in trouble for comments he made about Ukraine. He said, "Look, I'm just here for a couple months so I can go on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"


Today a group of Republicans burst into a closed hearing room to stop a woman from testifying against President Trump. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when the Republicans said, "Hey, you're not Melania."


Vice-President Mike Pence ripped into the NBA for acting like a subsidiary of China. The spokesperson of the league said China is nothing like the NBA. They have a one-child policy.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

At the president's first cabinet meeting since the impeachment proceedings began, he invited in the ladies and gentlemen of the press and calmly explained that there's nothing for him to be concerned about for 71 minutes. Seventy-one minutes is not a press conference, that's a one-man show!


[Mick Mullvaney] does realize you don't have to say the crime to be guilty of the crime, right? To be convicted of homicide, you don't have to stab somebody while saying, "Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder!"


On Wednesday we learned Trump will be attending the World Series on Sunday. Of course, keep in mind we don't know for sure if it'll last that long -- Trump's presidency I mean.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Congress is starting to act on these calls for impeachment, and at least four witnesses are expected to testify before house committees this week. This is like CSPAN's version of "Shark Week!"


House Democrats originally planned an impeachment vote as early as October, but now it might extend into Christmas. Hallmark has already jumped on it with yet another holiday movie: "Impeachment in a Pear Tree."


A new study said that parents only spend 24 more minutes a day with their children than they do with their phones. It's gotten so bad that whenever their children do something good, parents are now trying to "heart" them with a double tap.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are in Brooklyn again! And I'm already selling artisanal grilled cheese sandwiches out of a converted garbage truck.


We're here for the week. We are here for just slightly less time than Felicity Huffman will be in prison.


Watching the Jets try to run on the Patriots was like watching Bill De Blasio run for president.


The Trump Organization has decided to remove the word Trump from two ice skating rinks he owns in Central Park. You know things are bad when even the Trump organization is distancing itself from Trump.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump will no longer hold the upcoming G7 summit at his golf resort in Florida. Yeah, I guess it is a bad idea to commit an impeachable offense when you're already being impeached. That would be like stabbing the bailiff at your murder trial.


A new article about the campaign expenses of the top Democratic presidential candidates found that former vice-president Joe Biden has spent nearly $4,000 on ice cream since July. That would explain all the brain freezes.


Sen. Bernie Sanders held a 26,000-person rally this weekend in Queens. The crowd was so huge that Bernie almost had to use a microphone.


Mayor Pete Buttigieg toured a legal marijuana dispensary in Las Vegas. Which was exciting for Buttigieg, because that means his fake ID worked.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Disney announced that its theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there won't be a line.


A new study finds that cats bond with people like dogs do but are too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat "Dad."