The Late Late Show with James Corden

It's a great time to be a fan of L.A. sports, what with the Lakers just winning the NBA championship. There's never been a more exciting time to be in L.A. and not attend any of these games.

 

Trump didn't like the questions [Lesley Stahl] was asking, which makes sense since she's a respected journalist and not someone from Fox News who asks, "How hard is it being this handsome?"

 

For tonight's debate, new rules were issued for audience members without exception — any audience member without a mask would be thrown out. This is Nashville, so they put it in a different way. They said, "Anybody not wearing a mask will be tossed out on their badonkadonk."

 

It will be so nice not having to worry about the president retweeting conspiracy theories, mainly because we all know that Joe Biden has no idea what a retweet is.

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Presidential Election is only 15 days away, and I just can't wait for this thing to be over. It's like an upcoming surgery ... in that I am planning on being anesthetized for the event.

 

Fauci influences Trump's COVID policy the same way we do: by staring in horror at the TV and saying, "That's gotta be a problem."

 

There will be a mute button at the next presidential debate. That's good. While we're at it, how about a fast-forward button? Just zip straight to Nov. 3.

 

Enforcing the rules isn't giving someone an advantage! That's like saying, "The Olympic judges are playing favorites because they won't let me throw bricks at Michael Phelps."

 

[Trump's] campaign manager sent a letter to the debate commission complaining about the topics for not being focused more on foreign policy. I have a non-COVID question on foreign policy: How come other countries won't let us go there anymore?

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

If you haven't registered [to vote] yet, do it right now. This isn't something you put off like a dentist appointment or raking leaves or a national plan to fight the pandemic.

 

I'm not sure if a global pandemic is the best time to mock someone for listening to scientists. If your neighbors' house was on fire, you wouldn't be like, "Aw, what are you going to do, call a firefighter?"

 

It used to be an honor to be asked to moderate [a presidential debate]. Now, it's like getting invited to a wedding during the pandemic: "How do I get out of this?"

 

I'm not a big fan of flying squirrels. They're crazy. When you look up, you can clearly see they're nuts.

 

If you're trying to win the senior vote, you can't insult "60 Minutes." That's like trying to win the youth vote by banning TikTok.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Some experts believe that the next six to 12 weeks are going to be the darkest of the pandemic so far. Turns out we weren't supposed to gather in a water park with 3,000 drunken strangers.

 

I don't know why Donald Trump still thinks he can ignore this virus and it will go away. That strategy didn't work with Don Jr. and Eric, and it isn't going to work here.

 

The Commission on Presidential Debates, has come up with a way to cut down on all the POTUS interruptus: they've come up with a mute button. Muting the mics is the same strategy my daughter's teacher uses for Zoom Kindergarten.

 

It's crazy that we live in a time when the head of the Catholic Church is more progressive on same-sex marriage than the vice-president of the United States.

 

Of course [Trump] speaks Mandarin. He's orange.

 

The president's advisers were begging him to try to be "more likable" tonight, which, you know, it's like asking Boba Fett to "smile more."

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

During a campaign rally in Georgia last week, President Trump said that if he loses the election, he might leave the country. At which point, 194 countries simultaneously shouted, "Not it!"

 

CVS Pharmacy announced today that it plans to hire 15,000 additional pharmacy technicians to help dispense medications and coronavirus tests and, this is nice, a second cashier.

 

President Trump said that if former vice-president Joe Biden wins the election, "we're going to be no different than Venezuela." Well, it would be our only way to experience Venezuela, since we're not allowed to travel there right now.

 

In honor of its 50th anniversary earlier this month, a British supermarket chain launched a chicken nugget into space. And even after passing through Earth's atmosphere, it was still frozen on the inside.

 

Ahead of tonight's final presidential debate, organizers instituted a rule change allowing for the candidates' microphones to be muted. So I'm guessing President Trump spent the whole evening interrupting Joe Biden by semaphore.

 

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

The final presidential debate took place on Thursday, and the actual CNN headline after was "Trump behaved more like a regular person." That's not a description of a president, it's like the description of a robot from "Westworld."

 

Mattel announced plans for an Elton John-themed Barbie doll. "Finally!" said Ken.

 

NASA has announced plans to put a full 4G cellphone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your Earth phone.