Late Laughs for the week of November 13 - 19

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

This weekend [Oct. 14], "Halloween Ends," which is the 13th and final movie in the Halloween franchise hits theaters. You can tell Michael Myers is getting old because in this final film he runs for president.


I read that Subway said they are now experiencing record-setting sales. Subway is doing great — the CEO was like, "Take that, real tuna!"


A French automaker just unveiled a new one-passenger electric vehicle that rides on three wheels and can be driven without a license. It's called "Le Death Trap."


For Prime Day, I saw Amazon was offering discounts on DNA test kits. It's for people who want to know who their father is, but not enough to pay full price, you know?


I heard that Tom Cruise is set to film a movie in space, becoming the first civilian to walk outside the Space Station. ... It's a big deal! When they heard, the Space Force was like, "Oh, come on! We haven't even gone up yet!"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Since it's their 10th hearing, the [Jan. 6] Committee finally filled out the punch card ... Ooh! That means the former president gets a free sub-poena!


If it wasn't clear enough that the president's supporters were responsible for the violence [on Jan. 6], they said it point-blank. ... OK, not the best idea to claim credit for violent sedition while it's happening, but to be fair, they're not called "The Smart Boys."


One reason Meta is losing value is because they are bad at the things they do; mainly the simulated, online reality called the Metaverse, where Zuckerberg imagines "billions of people" inhabiting "immersive digital environments for hours on end, working, socializing and playing games." And you know how you don't want to do any of the things I just described to you? Zuckerberg thinks you do, because his head is up an immersive experience called "his butt."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A new story from the Washington Post says Trump ... got caught by his own security. It is astounding how dumb this is. ... If Donald Trump wasn't born rich, he'd be one of those bank robbers who passes the teller a note with his name signed at the bottom.


The Astros, the Phillies, the Yankees and the Dodgers all won their Game 1s last night. ... I saw three commercials on the game last night that ... in my opinion, say everything you need to know about America: Space Force, Jesus and a boneless chicken-wing pizza. If that doesn't sum us up, I really don't know what does.


Not only is it Columbus Day [Oct. 10], it is also Indigenous Peoples' Day, which is what it should be, probably, but we have to pick one or the other, right? That's like saying it's Arbor Day and Chainsaw Day. It can't be both.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden's granddaughter Naomi is said to get married next month [November] at the White House. Though, if you're trying to make people forget how old you are, maybe don't advertise that your granddaughter is getting married.


Elon Musk discussed his estranged daughter in a new interview and added, "I have very good relationships with all of the others. Can't win them all." Hell, [Herschel Walker] can't even count 'em all!


The Northeastern University School of Law mistakenly sent acceptance emails recently to nearly 4,000 applicants. Even worse, Harvard Law accidentally sent an acceptance email to someone whose dad didn't even go there.


Russian President Vladimir Putin convened a meeting today [Oct. 11] at his National Security Council. There were no survivors.


Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said in an interview yesterday that OPEC's decision to reduce oil output will harm the global economy. It's what OPEC is calling "the point."


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

Biden is in Brentwood tonight [Oct. 13] for a fundraiser with Nancy Pelosi, where tickets cost $5,000 per person. ... For five grand, I'd better get to watch Biden and Pelosi fight in a UFC ring.


There's a new, growing vacation trend ... sleep tourism. More and more hotels are now offering special suites with sleep-enhancing amenities like soundproofing, different pillow options and weighted blankets. Or ... you could just have a few too many drinks and pass out on your bed like a normal person.


A new fashion product is turning heads after debuting on the runway at Balenciaga's fall fashion show. It's a luxury purse that looks exactly like — I'm not joking — get this: a Lay's potato chip bag. ... It's the perfect bag for anyone who enjoys accidentally eating their keys.


Eggo has teamed up with a distillery and introduced a new product for the holidays. It's a 40-proof cream liqueur inspired by their frozen waffles and they're calling it "Eggo Nog." Finally an alcoholic beverage designed specifically for us: breakfast drinkers.