Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are on the road this week, coming to you from the Howard Gilman Opera House at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. I'm glad to be back. I had to come back. I still had $8 left on my Metrocard.

 

You know, there's a perception that New Yorkers are rude, and that really isn't true. There's just not a lot of phony chitchat that goes on in other places.

 

We are here for a week -- until Friday night. This is a limited engagement. Just like Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande.

 

It's beautiful in Brooklyn this time of year. In L.A., the only time the trees turn color is if they're on fire.

 

New York rats are so bold. You know, in other cities, they'll hide in your attic. Whereas in New York, they'll eat your pizza on Instagram.

 

Cardi B is in the opera house, she's a lot of fun! Did you know the "B" stands for "Be careful or I might throw a shoe?"

 

Only Brooklyn could make an elite dining experience out of eating under a bridge. That does happen in other places. In L.A., if you're eating under a bridge, it means you're addicted to methamphetamines.

 

I don't want to offend anyone, but if you are one of those people who are against vaccinating your kids, you're nuts and your kids are probably allergic to nuts.

 

We are well into the 2000s. No one should be getting measles anymore. Finding out there's a measles outbreak is like waking up to the news that Vikings are coming to get you.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon (repeat)

Today, President Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. Incredible. If you told me 10 years ago that Trump and Kanye would be meeting at the White House, I would've said, "Oh my God -- Kanye becomes president?!"

 

That's right, Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. And while they spoke, both Trump and Kanye's assistants looked at each other and said, "Man, I thought MY boss was nuts."

 

Facebook will now let you launch group chats with 250 people at once. The feature even has a new name: Hell.

 

I saw that President Trump is on the campaign trail, and he's spending the night in Las Vegas. Which means tomorrow he'll wake up in a hotel room with a tiger, a baby and a face tattoo.

 

Trump is campaigning for the midterms in Las Vegas. And out of habit, the moment he walked into a casino, it went bankrupt.

 

Last night, Space-X founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it because now he's building a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers (repeat)

According to a former Yale classmate, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once set off a bar fight in college after confusing another patron for the lead singer of the band UB40. And if you have any idea who that is, you also be 40.

 

President Trump defended Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh today and said it is, quote, "a very scary time for young men in America," adding, quote, "You can be accused before you prove your innocence." OK, but that's usually the order it goes in. If you call the police out of nowhere and tell them you didn't murder your wife, they're gonna send a car around.

 

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream recently helped a New York man propose to his girlfriend in a grocery store by creating a special label reading "Marry Me Mint." Which was a pretty big FU to all the recently dumped people perusing the ice cream aisle.

 

The White House announced today that President Trump will donate his second quarter salary to the Small Business Administration. And Trump knows a thing or two about how to run a small business. "Step one: start by inheriting a large business."

 

According to a new poll, when taking a U.S. citizenship test, only 24 per cent could correctly identify one thing Benjamin Franklin was famous for. Even worse, 36 per cent asked, "Is that the guy 'Hamilton' is about?"

 

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which was part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che (repeat)

Based on his testimony, I guess Kavanaugh thought the hearing was about whether he was cool in high school. I gotta say, you're not really helping yourself in a drunken assault case when you yell about how much you like drinking and how strong you were at the time.

 

You know, if you have calendars from 1982, it does not prove you're innocent. It proves you're a hoarder. You know when most people throw out their calendars from 1982? 1983.

 

To be fair to Judge Kavanaugh, it's insane that he has to answer questions about his high school yearbook. If you looked into anybody's high school yearbook, you'd find something super embarrassing. Like, I regret that my senior quote was a Smash Mouth lyric, and I very much regret that my hairstyle was "The Rachel."

 

Speaking of drinking games, if you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you'd be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of '82.

 

Kavanaugh could be the deciding vote on issues concerning the very people he makes feel unsafe. It'd be like letting the Coyote decide on Road Runner's rights.

 

A new report from the UN shows that last year Colombia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by a Bobby Brown sneeze.

 

A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than $11,000 by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. These scams can be tricky, but one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asks to borrow $11,000."

 

Dunkin' Donuts announced that it will change its name to just "Dunkin'." The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.