Late Laughs for the week of November 10 - 16, 2019

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I love Gwen Stefani! Not only is she a music icon, she's the only reason I know how to spell the word "bananas."


In North Dakota, a college student discovered a 65-million-year-old dinosaur skull. Even more impressive, it only took his roommate an hour to turn it into a bong.


I heard that Nestlé is going to start selling luxury handmade KitKats for $17 -- they came up with the idea after asking: what does nobody on Earth want or need?


Woody Harrelson said he once had to smoke weed just to get through a dinner with Trump. It got awkward when he stepped outside with a joint and Melania was already out there with a bong.


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Come on. I'm more than just a bisexual woman of color, OK? It's just a coincidence that I chose a network whose logo is also the Pride flag.


If you put every network late-night host in one room together and then add me and Hasan Minhaj, we look like the IT department at their law firm's Christmas party.


Being a rap music fan is a constant struggle, because it makes me forget that I'm a feminist. If you took the beat out of some of these songs and just said half the things they're saying, I would never talk to you again. But YG could rap about me making him a sandwich and I'd be OK with it, as long as it makes that booty pop.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

So if the objective is not bad, it doesn't matter how you achieve it? That's like saying, "You know, since grandma died, grandpa has been alone way too much. So I sold him to the Yakuza. He'll be very happy there."


Nobody does chaos like the British government. They wear powdered wigs and swing around a ceremonial white mace -- and that's when they're functioning.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Police in Washington State found a man parked on the side of a highway, and when they checked on him, they discovered he was playing PokemonGo on eight phones at the same time. He even created a phone case to carry all eight phones at once. Ya know, because otherwise he would have looked ridiculous.


Crazy story from the Netherlands: Police there recently tried to send out a mass text message to warn residents about a local fire, but they accidentally included a link to a pornographic video -- I will say, in their defense, there were a couple of guys in the video dressed as firefighters.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is both Indigenous Peoples and Columbus Day. [Columbus] never even got to North America. The closest he got was the Bahamas. He died thinking he discovered India and a trade route to China. He did neither of those things. Columbus is basically the 1492 version of the people who write "first!" in the YouTube comments section.


There are a hundred more-deserving Italians we could be celebrating today: DaVinci, Michelangelo, Marconi, Bon Jovi … What about a Bon Jovi Day? We could be celebrating a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides! Instead, we honor a guy whose gift to America was measles.


Why are there 12 candidates now? Last time there were 10. You can't subtract candidates and then add some. That's not the way it works. Have you ever watched a reality show? Or sports? You don't go to the Final 4, then suddenly you're back to the Elite 8. It's not the way it works!


President Trump had a very difficult day today. He had what [Nancy] Pelosi described as a "meltdown." Is it really even a meltdown anymore when it happens all the time? Trump didn't have a meltdown, he had a Wednesday. There's nothing left to melt.


A fourth business associate of Rudy Giuliani's was arrested, again at an airport. Well, I'm sure he wasn't trying to flee, he probably just wanted a Cinnabon or something.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A bunch of grapes were recently sold for $11,000 at a Japanese auction. Also at Whole Foods.


Officials at a wildlife rehabilitation center in Arkansas have developed a specially designed wheelchair to help a baby raccoon learn to walk. "Cool, cool," said people without health insurance.


A German man has raised over $700 on a GoFundMe page to help pay for his rehabilitation from a "potentially life-threatening" erection. Said the man, "With your help I can beat this thing."


The blog VogueWorld posted an article yesterday entitled "Brad Pitt proves that fedoras can actually be hot." Though I think a more accurate title would be, "Brad Pitt's hotness overcomes fedora."


Weekend Update

A Florida man was arrested after he caught an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself Crocodile Cosby.


Astronauts on the International Space Station successfully created meat using a 3D printer. And after eating it, they created a fourth "D" -- diarrhea.